Contemplation
Now that T is back to work for the school year, I am starting to push my days into a rhythm. I find that if I don't do this, time just slithers away and at the end of the night I have nothing to report for how I spent my time.
So, I give myself a chore to do each morning. A room to clean. Etc. It works. Afterwards, I meditate. I am not a natural meditating person. I find it extremely hard to still my mind. Finally, after nearly a week of forced practice, I am getting the hang of it again and seeing the harvest of it.
I make a small lunch for myself each day. Food has become an issue with me. Not eating too much, but eating too little. Every morning, I have yogurt and an Atkins shake. For lunch, maybe a small cup of soup or a half sandwich. I'm just not hungry anymore. Food has become a fuel that I must ingest instead of a pleasure. I'm not as nauseated as I was during treatment, but I am still in considerable pain. My bones simply ache. All. The. Time. It takes hunger out of the equation.
After lunch, I go to the computer and check facebook. I reluctantly joined facebook about a month ago and have pretty much decided that I will stay but don't feel compelled to write much. At first, I felt almost obligated to write, like facebook was a dog that I had to walk every day. Now, I just sort of go to check out what's happening. I have been continually surprised at who seems to want to be my friend on facebook. My sister's brother-in-law. A guy that I barely knew when my sister married his brother. Now, he wants to be friends. I went to his facebook page and was surprised to see a photo of a young marine looking decidedly swaggerish. He is my age. Who the hell is THAT? I realized that it was him, a much younger him. I read a few of his entries. A huge Trumper. Not anyone I would be remotely interested in befriending. I ignored his request. I think the hardest part has been reading some of my sister's many facebook entries. One bashed transgenders in the military. Another was a truly stupid reprint of a diatribe about the difference between liberals and conservatives. Conservatives were painted as nearly saintly. Liberals as worthless freeloaders. She knows I am a liberal. Is this how she secretly sees me? It has been an education.
After checking my email and facebook, I do what I call my "brain teasers." These are little games to keep my brain working. One is a sort of crossword puzzle. The other is a blackjack game. They are fun and I feel like I am thinking.
Lastly, it is time to go to the park to write. I have started a new book. Something very different. A sideways crawl from my usual writing. I tell myself every day that I only have to write one page. I usually end up writing at least five. Writing is harder for me now because of chemo brain. I had read about chemo brain but always thought it was kind of an exaggeration. I had known people with cancer who received chemo and they didn't seem impaired in any way. Yet, after I went through chemo, not once...but twice.....I sensed a real difference in how my brain worked. I could think through things just as quickly as always, but the trouble came when I tried to express my thoughts. It was hard to get them out. Words came more slowly to me and I often had to think hard to get them to come out coherently on paper and in speech. It frustrates me a great deal. Yet, I persevere. I am convinced that my talent is still in there, it just doesn't recognize the house anymore and keeps opening doors that don't go to where I need to be. Chemo has changed me. I was always much like my Irish father: emotional, wordy, sentimental. Now, I am still that way but it is harder to rein myself in. Self control has become an effort. I feel such a need to say exactly what I think ALL OF THE TIME. Or, on the other hand, say nothing at all, thinking that none of this is worth my time. I have to remind myself that I must be a socially alert person and behave with gentility, take social cues. Writing in the park helps. It forces me to categorize my thoughts and get them out on paper with surety.
The days pass. Often my routines are changed as I make time to visit with family and friends. I go out to breakfast or lunch. Doctor appointments and lab tests are a weekly bother. Working in the garden every few days takes an hour or so. I work slowly, but surely and often have to stop to rest. My favorite part of the day is when T gets home from work. So far, none of our "shows" (Outlander, Game of Thrones, Survivor, The Voice, This Is Us, The Last Kingdom, Ozark, Handmaid's Tale, etc.) are back on yet. Once, they start, we will watch more television. For now, we have a light dinner, go for an evening walk, watch a movie or Chopped and then tumble into bed by nine. Having someone to share the night with is a wonderful gift. Once Autumn arrives, there will be so many more activities. The Friday night lights of football. Husker games. For now, we make do.
I am glad that I have my meditation. Contemplation is both very good and very hard for me. It forces me into corners that I usually avoid. It gives me questions that I usually sidestep.
Do I really want this person in my life anymore? Is it worth all the reticence I feel when I am with them? Can I step back and not really be noticed?
I sit and think, go over my options. Set them out before myself and look at them with as much logic as I can muster. Find answers that are difficult, but necessary for my well being.
I end each meditation with Elton John's "Seasons (Reprise)" It helps.
The world's circle keeps turning. I circle with it.
So, I give myself a chore to do each morning. A room to clean. Etc. It works. Afterwards, I meditate. I am not a natural meditating person. I find it extremely hard to still my mind. Finally, after nearly a week of forced practice, I am getting the hang of it again and seeing the harvest of it.
I make a small lunch for myself each day. Food has become an issue with me. Not eating too much, but eating too little. Every morning, I have yogurt and an Atkins shake. For lunch, maybe a small cup of soup or a half sandwich. I'm just not hungry anymore. Food has become a fuel that I must ingest instead of a pleasure. I'm not as nauseated as I was during treatment, but I am still in considerable pain. My bones simply ache. All. The. Time. It takes hunger out of the equation.
After lunch, I go to the computer and check facebook. I reluctantly joined facebook about a month ago and have pretty much decided that I will stay but don't feel compelled to write much. At first, I felt almost obligated to write, like facebook was a dog that I had to walk every day. Now, I just sort of go to check out what's happening. I have been continually surprised at who seems to want to be my friend on facebook. My sister's brother-in-law. A guy that I barely knew when my sister married his brother. Now, he wants to be friends. I went to his facebook page and was surprised to see a photo of a young marine looking decidedly swaggerish. He is my age. Who the hell is THAT? I realized that it was him, a much younger him. I read a few of his entries. A huge Trumper. Not anyone I would be remotely interested in befriending. I ignored his request. I think the hardest part has been reading some of my sister's many facebook entries. One bashed transgenders in the military. Another was a truly stupid reprint of a diatribe about the difference between liberals and conservatives. Conservatives were painted as nearly saintly. Liberals as worthless freeloaders. She knows I am a liberal. Is this how she secretly sees me? It has been an education.
After checking my email and facebook, I do what I call my "brain teasers." These are little games to keep my brain working. One is a sort of crossword puzzle. The other is a blackjack game. They are fun and I feel like I am thinking.
Lastly, it is time to go to the park to write. I have started a new book. Something very different. A sideways crawl from my usual writing. I tell myself every day that I only have to write one page. I usually end up writing at least five. Writing is harder for me now because of chemo brain. I had read about chemo brain but always thought it was kind of an exaggeration. I had known people with cancer who received chemo and they didn't seem impaired in any way. Yet, after I went through chemo, not once...but twice.....I sensed a real difference in how my brain worked. I could think through things just as quickly as always, but the trouble came when I tried to express my thoughts. It was hard to get them out. Words came more slowly to me and I often had to think hard to get them to come out coherently on paper and in speech. It frustrates me a great deal. Yet, I persevere. I am convinced that my talent is still in there, it just doesn't recognize the house anymore and keeps opening doors that don't go to where I need to be. Chemo has changed me. I was always much like my Irish father: emotional, wordy, sentimental. Now, I am still that way but it is harder to rein myself in. Self control has become an effort. I feel such a need to say exactly what I think ALL OF THE TIME. Or, on the other hand, say nothing at all, thinking that none of this is worth my time. I have to remind myself that I must be a socially alert person and behave with gentility, take social cues. Writing in the park helps. It forces me to categorize my thoughts and get them out on paper with surety.
The days pass. Often my routines are changed as I make time to visit with family and friends. I go out to breakfast or lunch. Doctor appointments and lab tests are a weekly bother. Working in the garden every few days takes an hour or so. I work slowly, but surely and often have to stop to rest. My favorite part of the day is when T gets home from work. So far, none of our "shows" (Outlander, Game of Thrones, Survivor, The Voice, This Is Us, The Last Kingdom, Ozark, Handmaid's Tale, etc.) are back on yet. Once, they start, we will watch more television. For now, we have a light dinner, go for an evening walk, watch a movie or Chopped and then tumble into bed by nine. Having someone to share the night with is a wonderful gift. Once Autumn arrives, there will be so many more activities. The Friday night lights of football. Husker games. For now, we make do.
I am glad that I have my meditation. Contemplation is both very good and very hard for me. It forces me into corners that I usually avoid. It gives me questions that I usually sidestep.
Do I really want this person in my life anymore? Is it worth all the reticence I feel when I am with them? Can I step back and not really be noticed?
I sit and think, go over my options. Set them out before myself and look at them with as much logic as I can muster. Find answers that are difficult, but necessary for my well being.
I end each meditation with Elton John's "Seasons (Reprise)" It helps.
The world's circle keeps turning. I circle with it.
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