Exit, pursued by a bear....
I never used to be mouthy. I've never been afraid to speak my mind but I admit to being pretty selective about it.....until now.
Age and cancer will change someone. When I was younger, I never noticed that older people are invisible. Probably because, like most people, I rarely noticed them.
Ba Ba Bump de Bum. Drum roll.
When you are older, you are basically invisible, especially if you are a woman. I am not inclined towards shoplifting, but if I were, I could clean up. Because no one notices me. I also found, that in discussions, my opinions seemed to hold less weight than others. If my opinions were not liked, I was easily labeled crazy old lady. So, I have learned to always do my homework. If I have something that I feel strongly about, I do my research. There is nothing that will confuse a person more than an old lady who knows her shit.
Cancer did not give me many gifts but I did manage to eke out a few. It gave me insight into the world. Suddenly, the world that I lived in became precious to me. My life became precious. I realized with a bit of terror, but mostly with joy, that life is very, very short and I did not want to waste it by being beige. Cancer also gives you another gift that few talk about: if someone knows that you have cancer, they are less likely to dismiss you or talk back in smart ass. It's called the pity card, people. But, it isn't fun to use it and it is a fleeting gift for obvious reasons. Either you kick it or you survive. If you survive, you lose the pity card. If you die, you don't need it. And really, who wants to be pitied anyway? I'd rather win or be taken seriously because I am a badass who knows what I am talking about.
And I am, dudes.
I do my homework. If I like an author, a book, a politician, a credo, I do research on it or them. I learn as much as I can so that I can talk intelligently about the subject. And it is easy because 1) I love doing research and 2) When you like something or someone, it is fun to learn more. It also comes in handy in debates, which I also love, but rarely get to participate in.
But, I have found that now I am a very different person than the woman who I was just five years ago. I say what I think because I refuse to be anything except myself and I have managed to amass a very nice group of friends and family who are my tribe. If someone disagrees with me, I never feel alone. And it has been my pleasure to have gathered these people over the years. I like to think that even without my tribe I would be okay saying my truth alone, but I will never be able to say for sure.
I used to pretty much keep to myself in public places. I still do, but now if I see someone bullying another, a parent being abusive to a child, an employee being rude to a customer or vice versa, I will step in and say something. When I do, people are usually surprised because most of them didn't even see me standing there in the first place. They might not like what I say, but I am noticed.
It isn't just the negative things that I speak out about. I try to let the people in my life know that they are loved. I pick out special birthday cards for them, sometimes months in advance. I will be in a store, see a card that reminds me of them and pluck it up. If I think you are a great person, I will tell you why I think this is so. If you look really pretty today, I will tell you that.
It all comes back to the fact that life is short. Life is so damn short. We aren't walking around this planet for an infinite time.
Once, during chemo, I was sitting outside in my adirondack chair and the sun was shining on me. It was a beautiful, cool Autumn day and the world just seemed so unbelievably dear to me that I could hardly stand it. I reached out and touched the hawthorne tree next to me and I swear I could feel a pulse of life flowing through it. Tears ran down my face.
I WAS HERE! I kept thinking that. I was here and after I was gone, who would ever remember for long? Something happened to me during those eight long months of chemotherapy. I found my voice and my nerve. I figured that if I was on this earth, I might as well participate. I WOULD participate.
So, I have been doing just that. Like it or not.....
I WAS HERE!
Age and cancer will change someone. When I was younger, I never noticed that older people are invisible. Probably because, like most people, I rarely noticed them.
Ba Ba Bump de Bum. Drum roll.
When you are older, you are basically invisible, especially if you are a woman. I am not inclined towards shoplifting, but if I were, I could clean up. Because no one notices me. I also found, that in discussions, my opinions seemed to hold less weight than others. If my opinions were not liked, I was easily labeled crazy old lady. So, I have learned to always do my homework. If I have something that I feel strongly about, I do my research. There is nothing that will confuse a person more than an old lady who knows her shit.
Cancer did not give me many gifts but I did manage to eke out a few. It gave me insight into the world. Suddenly, the world that I lived in became precious to me. My life became precious. I realized with a bit of terror, but mostly with joy, that life is very, very short and I did not want to waste it by being beige. Cancer also gives you another gift that few talk about: if someone knows that you have cancer, they are less likely to dismiss you or talk back in smart ass. It's called the pity card, people. But, it isn't fun to use it and it is a fleeting gift for obvious reasons. Either you kick it or you survive. If you survive, you lose the pity card. If you die, you don't need it. And really, who wants to be pitied anyway? I'd rather win or be taken seriously because I am a badass who knows what I am talking about.
And I am, dudes.
I do my homework. If I like an author, a book, a politician, a credo, I do research on it or them. I learn as much as I can so that I can talk intelligently about the subject. And it is easy because 1) I love doing research and 2) When you like something or someone, it is fun to learn more. It also comes in handy in debates, which I also love, but rarely get to participate in.
But, I have found that now I am a very different person than the woman who I was just five years ago. I say what I think because I refuse to be anything except myself and I have managed to amass a very nice group of friends and family who are my tribe. If someone disagrees with me, I never feel alone. And it has been my pleasure to have gathered these people over the years. I like to think that even without my tribe I would be okay saying my truth alone, but I will never be able to say for sure.
I used to pretty much keep to myself in public places. I still do, but now if I see someone bullying another, a parent being abusive to a child, an employee being rude to a customer or vice versa, I will step in and say something. When I do, people are usually surprised because most of them didn't even see me standing there in the first place. They might not like what I say, but I am noticed.
It isn't just the negative things that I speak out about. I try to let the people in my life know that they are loved. I pick out special birthday cards for them, sometimes months in advance. I will be in a store, see a card that reminds me of them and pluck it up. If I think you are a great person, I will tell you why I think this is so. If you look really pretty today, I will tell you that.
It all comes back to the fact that life is short. Life is so damn short. We aren't walking around this planet for an infinite time.
Once, during chemo, I was sitting outside in my adirondack chair and the sun was shining on me. It was a beautiful, cool Autumn day and the world just seemed so unbelievably dear to me that I could hardly stand it. I reached out and touched the hawthorne tree next to me and I swear I could feel a pulse of life flowing through it. Tears ran down my face.
I WAS HERE! I kept thinking that. I was here and after I was gone, who would ever remember for long? Something happened to me during those eight long months of chemotherapy. I found my voice and my nerve. I figured that if I was on this earth, I might as well participate. I WOULD participate.
So, I have been doing just that. Like it or not.....
I WAS HERE!
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