Dear Body
Dear Body,
Okay. Truce. I know that we have lost touch. I know that you are really, really mad at me and are making me pay in some very disgusting ways. So, let me tell you right from the get-go that NONE of what has happened to you in the past three years has been my idea. I was just strolling along in my life, enjoying my job, and then....WHAM....
Cancer sucks, dude. It sucks the big one.
I realize that I was never all that good at taking care of you in the first place, and I do apologize. I should have eaten better, exercised more, had preventative care with you. I didn't always do my best. I did make sure that you had many good portions of chocolate and I was never chintzy with the dairy.
Hey, I drank my milk for you. A lot of milk. Okay. A lot of gin and tonics, too. But, that was really only in my 20's. By my 30's. I had pretty much stopped most of the drinking and drug use. And I was never an addict, never got so wasted on a regular basis that I impaired you.
I know that the whole chemotherapy and radiation for breast cancer was a shock. But, you have to look at things from my perspective. It was either take the juice or die, dude. I didn't WANT to whack off my breasts. And it did truly piss me off that I didn't lose any weight after surgery. I mean, I was never hugely endowed, but I thought they were each worth a pound a piece.
I know how much you hated the chemo because I think you vomited up everything I ate during the whole time I was on it. I lost nearly 50 pounds during chemo. That was the only good thing about it. And I don't think I will soon forget having constant sores in my mouth or not being able to watch TV because the commercials always seemed to have Burger King in them and just the sight of sizzling meat was enough to send me hurling (literally) into the bathroom.
The radiation was hard on you, too. I mean, I have had sunburns before, but I have never experienced burn blisters like that in my life. Or as the radiation nurse put it: You look very radiated. That was a really fun Autumn we spent, wasn't it? Going around topless or wearing very loose tee shirts. We looked like a fucking horror movie.
I'm sorry. I know you hated every minute of it but I was trying to save our life.
We had a pretty nice reprieve for a while, then. I tried so hard to baby you to make up for all the atrocities that had happened to you. I bought special creams for you. I quit my job so that we could nap every afternoon. I bought you coffee.
The leukemia was a big surprise and I know that you will probably never forgive me for that. I had to make a choice, body. It was either the arsenic treatment or die. To be honest, in hindsight, I think I may have chosen to die if I had known how hard this would be on us.
It was the longest 8 months of my life. And the arsenic was so much worse than the chemo. I know you were just flabbergasted when you saw what I was doing. I was actually allowing a nurse to feed us arsenic through a pic line. Right in the left arm. You just fell apart and I don't blame you. I mean, I was forcing you to ingest poison. You barely got out of that alive and I am so, so sorry. Trust me. I will never do that to you again. Pinkie swear.
Because I see now that it was just too much to ask of you. It was hard enough to lose feeling in your feet and hands. Hard enough to have your bones ache so badly that walking was tough. And yes, you rebelled. The throwing up. The diarrhea. The dizziness. Brain fog.
You were (are?) so damn mad at me. And then, we reach the end and just as things start to improve, the thyroid gives out. So, now...I am forcing you to be on a low iodine diet for two weeks before I swallow a radiation pill to kill it off.
More radiation. I can see you rolling your eyes. Are we crazy?
Yes, I think we may be. A little. But, body, my main goal is always to protect you. I wish you could see this. I don't want to do this. I have to do this.
So, now...the cancer marker test comes back positive. And after we get this thyroid taken care of, we will have to hunt down to see where it may be hiding.
I could really use your help. Can you give me a hint? Where is it this time? Can you give me a clue what you want me to do? Should I keep fighting? Is it futile? Do you need me to promise to stop treatment and give you some peace? I can do that. Maybe that is the better way. I don't want to keep torturing you like this if there isn't a happy outcome.
The thing is....I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want you mad at me all the time but, at the same time, I want to save you. Is it worth this?
If you could just leave me a little note, I would sure appreciate it. I do thank you for all you have done for me. You have given me some of the happiest days of mt life. I spent hours, days, months, years with children whom I adored. I made love with my partner. We had so many laughs. So many good times.
I am so grateful to you. And I want to do what is best for you now.
Help me?
Sincerely,
Soul
Okay. Truce. I know that we have lost touch. I know that you are really, really mad at me and are making me pay in some very disgusting ways. So, let me tell you right from the get-go that NONE of what has happened to you in the past three years has been my idea. I was just strolling along in my life, enjoying my job, and then....WHAM....
Cancer sucks, dude. It sucks the big one.
I realize that I was never all that good at taking care of you in the first place, and I do apologize. I should have eaten better, exercised more, had preventative care with you. I didn't always do my best. I did make sure that you had many good portions of chocolate and I was never chintzy with the dairy.
Hey, I drank my milk for you. A lot of milk. Okay. A lot of gin and tonics, too. But, that was really only in my 20's. By my 30's. I had pretty much stopped most of the drinking and drug use. And I was never an addict, never got so wasted on a regular basis that I impaired you.
I know that the whole chemotherapy and radiation for breast cancer was a shock. But, you have to look at things from my perspective. It was either take the juice or die, dude. I didn't WANT to whack off my breasts. And it did truly piss me off that I didn't lose any weight after surgery. I mean, I was never hugely endowed, but I thought they were each worth a pound a piece.
I know how much you hated the chemo because I think you vomited up everything I ate during the whole time I was on it. I lost nearly 50 pounds during chemo. That was the only good thing about it. And I don't think I will soon forget having constant sores in my mouth or not being able to watch TV because the commercials always seemed to have Burger King in them and just the sight of sizzling meat was enough to send me hurling (literally) into the bathroom.
The radiation was hard on you, too. I mean, I have had sunburns before, but I have never experienced burn blisters like that in my life. Or as the radiation nurse put it: You look very radiated. That was a really fun Autumn we spent, wasn't it? Going around topless or wearing very loose tee shirts. We looked like a fucking horror movie.
I'm sorry. I know you hated every minute of it but I was trying to save our life.
We had a pretty nice reprieve for a while, then. I tried so hard to baby you to make up for all the atrocities that had happened to you. I bought special creams for you. I quit my job so that we could nap every afternoon. I bought you coffee.
The leukemia was a big surprise and I know that you will probably never forgive me for that. I had to make a choice, body. It was either the arsenic treatment or die. To be honest, in hindsight, I think I may have chosen to die if I had known how hard this would be on us.
It was the longest 8 months of my life. And the arsenic was so much worse than the chemo. I know you were just flabbergasted when you saw what I was doing. I was actually allowing a nurse to feed us arsenic through a pic line. Right in the left arm. You just fell apart and I don't blame you. I mean, I was forcing you to ingest poison. You barely got out of that alive and I am so, so sorry. Trust me. I will never do that to you again. Pinkie swear.
Because I see now that it was just too much to ask of you. It was hard enough to lose feeling in your feet and hands. Hard enough to have your bones ache so badly that walking was tough. And yes, you rebelled. The throwing up. The diarrhea. The dizziness. Brain fog.
You were (are?) so damn mad at me. And then, we reach the end and just as things start to improve, the thyroid gives out. So, now...I am forcing you to be on a low iodine diet for two weeks before I swallow a radiation pill to kill it off.
More radiation. I can see you rolling your eyes. Are we crazy?
Yes, I think we may be. A little. But, body, my main goal is always to protect you. I wish you could see this. I don't want to do this. I have to do this.
So, now...the cancer marker test comes back positive. And after we get this thyroid taken care of, we will have to hunt down to see where it may be hiding.
I could really use your help. Can you give me a hint? Where is it this time? Can you give me a clue what you want me to do? Should I keep fighting? Is it futile? Do you need me to promise to stop treatment and give you some peace? I can do that. Maybe that is the better way. I don't want to keep torturing you like this if there isn't a happy outcome.
The thing is....I just don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want you mad at me all the time but, at the same time, I want to save you. Is it worth this?
If you could just leave me a little note, I would sure appreciate it. I do thank you for all you have done for me. You have given me some of the happiest days of mt life. I spent hours, days, months, years with children whom I adored. I made love with my partner. We had so many laughs. So many good times.
I am so grateful to you. And I want to do what is best for you now.
Help me?
Sincerely,
Soul
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