Here and Now
Well, this blog will now take a very different turn. I had originally went back to it because I was writing a book and it was my morning warm up. I also figured that it would be more private than my other blogs had been. I wasn't writing for readers anymore, I was writing for me.
This has changed now. Now, I want this blog to be something for me to leave behind when I die. This blog will now be a record of my last journey.
God, that sounds so pretentious. But, seriously...it might help someone. And it will be a little lagniappe for me to leave S, C, and L. This will be like reading stories all over again. It will also tell them how much that they were loved.
I have a few medical tests left, but most are now finished. I found out on November 16th that my breast cancer has metastasized. I have two masses. One is behind my sternum. The other is tucked away in the small amount of breast tissue that I have left on my right side. An extra bonus is that blood clots were also discovered in my left leg and lungs. Tomorrow I will have a whole body bone scan to see if it has also moved into my bones.
It was a very hard day. It was a hard weekend. T and I barely left the house. We cried until there were no tears left. Well, that is bullshit. I am pretty sure that there will be plenty more to come, but for now, we have decided to move on to gallows humor.
Last night, we sat at a restaurant famous for their chicken. As T tucked into her chicken gizzards (gag me!) and I ate my bowl of chicken noodle soup, we discussed where my ashes would go and what sort of venue my memorial service would be at. At one point, T looked around and said, "I can't tell you how badly I wish we were like all the rest of the people having dinner in here tonight. They are discussing what to do about Jimmy's bad grades or if they HAVE to spend Christmas with her sister again. I really want some normal people problems."
I responded that maybe there were some people in the place who were in just a dark a place as we were. Maybe worse.
"Maybe their child has cancer and they're worried about their insurance because Trump has fucked everything up with his no pre-existing condition shit. Or maybe someone's parent has dementia. Everyone carries burdens."
"I am so not in the mood to be all zen with you right now," she said, and we both burst out laughing.
We actually laughed a lot this weekend, too.
Because that is how this is going to play out. We are going to be right here, right now. And right here, right now, we have this wonderful life together.
Metastatic breast cancer only gets about 5% of cancer funding, so there isn't a lot of progress with it. It is not a fight I will win. No pink ribbons for me. I will not be a cancer survivor anymore. I will be a cancer fighter until the day I die. The survival rate for 5 years is 27%. No one has made it farther than 8 years. Yet.
But. The good news is that there are several treatments that might buy me time. I want time, but it is important to me that it be quality time. I do not want to die in diapers and incoherent. If it comes to that, I will end things ahead of time.
It is my intention to live until Trump is either impeached or voted out of office. I also plan to see the grand finale of Game of Thrones.
The thing is.....I am feeling a sense of peace. For many months prior to this, I knew that something was wrong, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I tired so easily. I didn't feel as if I were healing from the previous battle with leukemia. I felt as if I were getting worse. The pain was almost mind bending at times.
Now, I have answers. And I have the gift of time. A friend of ours, a co-worker of T's, went to school one day to teach and had a heart attack as he sat at his desk alone eating lunch. Maybe it was a good death. It was certainly fast. But, he didn't get to say goodbye. He didn't get to cross his Ts. Dot his I.
I planned my memorial service a long time ago when I was fighting breast cancer. But...privately....I never really thought I would need it. It was my intention to beat breast cancer and I did for a while. The stakes were higher with leukemia, but I gritted my teeth and held on and beat it, too. As I said, things are different this time. I know now that I will not survive this battle. But, I will use my time wisely.
I don't have time to hold grudges anymore. No time to hate people. I forgive everyone and ask forgiveness in return.
I see things differently. I was looking out the window at a tree right before I got on the computer. It is an oak tree that has been in our yard since we moved in. All of a sudden, I was captivated by how beautiful it was. How it is always the last tree in our yard to drop it's leaves. How it has curves and bends that seem so majestic. My eyes filled with tears. I could hardly stand how beautiful it was.
I can see that I am going to take the sap route on many things. Life is just so fucking gorgeous.
Last night, when T and I were planning my memorial service, we were discussing food. I told her that I didn't want banquet-y stuff. That I wanted some pastries, coffee (Starbucks!), and juice for children. She gave me a look.
"You know my family and funerals. Even if you don't have a funeral and just a memorial service, they are going to expect to be fed a meal. God, that will be the main reason they come. They love to eat and party. They'll be relatives that you'd never even met. We have to feed them!"
It was just all too absurd. We both started laughing. It turned into the kind of hard laughing where you sound like donkeys hee-hawing. And then, just as quickly, we stopped and started crying. We must have looked insane.
Later, in the car, I asked her why she started crying.
"If you hadn't started crying, I wouldn't have," I scolded.
She looked straight ahead.
"It was weird. I suddenly realized that you wouldn't be there to see it. That we wouldn't talk about it afterwards and laugh. God, how will I live without you?"
I didn't answer, but held her hand. Finally, she said, "Here and now. Here and now. Here and now."
Right-o.
For now, we LIVE!
This has changed now. Now, I want this blog to be something for me to leave behind when I die. This blog will now be a record of my last journey.
God, that sounds so pretentious. But, seriously...it might help someone. And it will be a little lagniappe for me to leave S, C, and L. This will be like reading stories all over again. It will also tell them how much that they were loved.
I have a few medical tests left, but most are now finished. I found out on November 16th that my breast cancer has metastasized. I have two masses. One is behind my sternum. The other is tucked away in the small amount of breast tissue that I have left on my right side. An extra bonus is that blood clots were also discovered in my left leg and lungs. Tomorrow I will have a whole body bone scan to see if it has also moved into my bones.
It was a very hard day. It was a hard weekend. T and I barely left the house. We cried until there were no tears left. Well, that is bullshit. I am pretty sure that there will be plenty more to come, but for now, we have decided to move on to gallows humor.
Last night, we sat at a restaurant famous for their chicken. As T tucked into her chicken gizzards (gag me!) and I ate my bowl of chicken noodle soup, we discussed where my ashes would go and what sort of venue my memorial service would be at. At one point, T looked around and said, "I can't tell you how badly I wish we were like all the rest of the people having dinner in here tonight. They are discussing what to do about Jimmy's bad grades or if they HAVE to spend Christmas with her sister again. I really want some normal people problems."
I responded that maybe there were some people in the place who were in just a dark a place as we were. Maybe worse.
"Maybe their child has cancer and they're worried about their insurance because Trump has fucked everything up with his no pre-existing condition shit. Or maybe someone's parent has dementia. Everyone carries burdens."
"I am so not in the mood to be all zen with you right now," she said, and we both burst out laughing.
We actually laughed a lot this weekend, too.
Because that is how this is going to play out. We are going to be right here, right now. And right here, right now, we have this wonderful life together.
Metastatic breast cancer only gets about 5% of cancer funding, so there isn't a lot of progress with it. It is not a fight I will win. No pink ribbons for me. I will not be a cancer survivor anymore. I will be a cancer fighter until the day I die. The survival rate for 5 years is 27%. No one has made it farther than 8 years. Yet.
But. The good news is that there are several treatments that might buy me time. I want time, but it is important to me that it be quality time. I do not want to die in diapers and incoherent. If it comes to that, I will end things ahead of time.
It is my intention to live until Trump is either impeached or voted out of office. I also plan to see the grand finale of Game of Thrones.
The thing is.....I am feeling a sense of peace. For many months prior to this, I knew that something was wrong, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I tired so easily. I didn't feel as if I were healing from the previous battle with leukemia. I felt as if I were getting worse. The pain was almost mind bending at times.
Now, I have answers. And I have the gift of time. A friend of ours, a co-worker of T's, went to school one day to teach and had a heart attack as he sat at his desk alone eating lunch. Maybe it was a good death. It was certainly fast. But, he didn't get to say goodbye. He didn't get to cross his Ts. Dot his I.
I planned my memorial service a long time ago when I was fighting breast cancer. But...privately....I never really thought I would need it. It was my intention to beat breast cancer and I did for a while. The stakes were higher with leukemia, but I gritted my teeth and held on and beat it, too. As I said, things are different this time. I know now that I will not survive this battle. But, I will use my time wisely.
I don't have time to hold grudges anymore. No time to hate people. I forgive everyone and ask forgiveness in return.
I see things differently. I was looking out the window at a tree right before I got on the computer. It is an oak tree that has been in our yard since we moved in. All of a sudden, I was captivated by how beautiful it was. How it is always the last tree in our yard to drop it's leaves. How it has curves and bends that seem so majestic. My eyes filled with tears. I could hardly stand how beautiful it was.
I can see that I am going to take the sap route on many things. Life is just so fucking gorgeous.
Last night, when T and I were planning my memorial service, we were discussing food. I told her that I didn't want banquet-y stuff. That I wanted some pastries, coffee (Starbucks!), and juice for children. She gave me a look.
"You know my family and funerals. Even if you don't have a funeral and just a memorial service, they are going to expect to be fed a meal. God, that will be the main reason they come. They love to eat and party. They'll be relatives that you'd never even met. We have to feed them!"
It was just all too absurd. We both started laughing. It turned into the kind of hard laughing where you sound like donkeys hee-hawing. And then, just as quickly, we stopped and started crying. We must have looked insane.
Later, in the car, I asked her why she started crying.
"If you hadn't started crying, I wouldn't have," I scolded.
She looked straight ahead.
"It was weird. I suddenly realized that you wouldn't be there to see it. That we wouldn't talk about it afterwards and laugh. God, how will I live without you?"
I didn't answer, but held her hand. Finally, she said, "Here and now. Here and now. Here and now."
Right-o.
For now, we LIVE!
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