I am Yours

This morning I sat with my coffee, looking out of the kitchen window at the ever present cardinals at the bird baths. The weather has been in the 40's, pretty soft for December. I stirred my coffee. Took a bite of cinnamon toast.

A text came through. T. It was a video. It came with words saying that she knew that I was tired and probably really sick of being here, but please...would I consider staying/fighting as long as possible?

I know I haven't been the best spouse. I also know that I don't want to be here without you. I love you so much. 

I stared at that text for a long time and then played the video. Cried. Texted T back that I loved the video and I wasn't going anywhere for a long time.

But, her words stuck with me. I know I haven't been the best spouse. 

So, T....this is for you.

Stop it. Right now. Hear me. Or...I suppose....read me.

I loved you right from the beginning. I know, I know...we joke that I dragged my feet. How you had to woo me. Here's the thing: The moment we met, the stars aligned for us. Just as they do when anyone meets their soul mate. The problem was/is that you have always been far more in tune with yourself and your place in the world than I was/am. You have known exactly who you were right from the start.

It took me longer. I was raised in a family where homosexuality was not even on the table for discussion. I started noticing in about junior high school that I seemed to be attracted to both boys and girls. I never really put a name to it, I just know that I shut down that part of me that went for the girls. Well, not completely....but I tried HARD to do that. It didn't really work. But by the time I met you, I was DETERMINED that I would NOT let myself be attracted to a woman.

And then there was this problem:

I met you and stars bloomed. From the first moment, I was a goner. It was like all of those Harlequin romance novels that I loved to mock. I felt like I had known you forever. Something in me recognized something in you. I felt like I had done this before.

And liked doing it. Wanted to keep doing it.

I fell in love. Head over heels.

But, as you have always told me, "You are really good at getting in your own way." 

I refused to buy into us. It took me a very long time to finally admit that, yes...you were my person. And even as I said it, I rolled my eyes.

But, I defied my family to be with you. I chose you. And I have honestly never looked back and never regretted my decision.

Even when you acted like a jack ass. Even when you weren't such a great spouse. Because, c'mon...T. You and I are human. We both fucked up. A lot. Just like all humans do.

But, through it all, I kept choosing you and you kept choosing me.

And now....here we are. At a crossing of roads. Someday....maybe soon, maybe not.....our roads will divert away from each other.

As I am very sure now that they have done before. This isn't our first rodeo, sugar. We have been together many times, in many lifetimes. I could not care less if anyone snorts when I say that or looks at someone else and says, "That is just something that she would say, isn't it?"

For the record. I could not care less. Because I have been here, done this with you....SO many times. And will again.

I am yours. You are mine. 

So, no worries, love. I will fight to stay as long as I can and then....well.....I will have to leave. And as you've said to me many times: The way you drive, you may go first.

But, I'll see you on the other side and there, we will plan our next adventure.

Pinky swear.