Planning Your Funeral 101
Everybody should probably do this, dying or not. Because, you want your funeral to be something like you.
My sister, P, got me thinking of funerals. She told me that she has had her funeral details in place for over a decade. That she re-visits the details and tweaks them every few years to suit her changing tastes.
When I found out that I had breast cancer, I decided to plan out my funeral. Or in my case....my memorial service. I am not religious. At all. And I am not the sort of person who is going to suddenly become a deeply religious person just because I am dying. I know mostly what I DO NOT want.
I DO NOT WANT:
1) a funeral in a church. Especially not a Catholic church. I was baptized in the Catholic Church but I left years ago. I do not believe in many of the tenets of the Catholic church.
2) bible verses. I have read the bible. I find some of it to be very beautiful and very instructive and interesting. But...I read the bible with a scholar's mind. It was written by many, many men. Men. No women. Enough said.
3) sap head songs. Ok. One sap head song. That's it.
4) my service to be long. I want it to be under a half hour.
I DO WANT:
1) a memorial service in a building by water. Or if it is nice....held outside. T and I have looked into several venues and found two that will do.
2) meaningful readings. Intelligent, witty readings. Things that meant something to me.
3) music. Good music that meant something to me. Maybe a song that makes everyone sort of chuckle. This is not a Sturm and Drang time. I will have died and gone on to either help replenish the planet with my ashes and/or to a more beautiful place.
4) a short, but sweet service. With food at the end. Not banquet food. Cookies. Cake. Fudge. Cupcakes. Really good coffee with cream and sugar in abundance. Pumpkin juice for the kids.
Mostly, I want people to feel free to stand up and talk about me. Preferably about times when I was at my best, but times when I was not at my best but did something funny are okay, too. I think that memorial services are a celebration of the good in the person who died. I was not always perfect, but I did a few good things in my life that can be shouted out.
I do not want to be buried. I have already donated my burial plot next to my Dad back to the cemetery. It will now go to a Navy veteran who needs a plot. My Dad would have liked that. No. I want to be cremated and T knows what to do with my ashes. It will stay between the two of us. If you want to find me, just give me a shout out in your head and I will try to be there, if it is possible. If not, you will never know and you can just pretend. Even if I was buried, I can assure you that I am not the type of person to hang around a cemetery. I'd rather see Paris.
No flowers. Bring rocks. A pretty rock from your yard. Put it in a bowl and at the end of the service, take a rock out of the bowl that isn't the one you brought in. Take it home with you and put it in your rose bushes or your tulip bed or maybe your tomato pot.
Flowers die. Rocks live on.
I think the most important thing to do is make your funeral yours. If you are a devoted Catholic, have a Catholic service with all the bells and whistles. If you want to have flamenco dancers weaving around with boa scarves, do it. This is your one chance to have things exactly as you wish.
Go for it, dude. But, take a hint? Nobody likes banquet-y foods at a funeral. Fried chicken will just get everyone's fingers all greasy and ruin their pretty outfits. Potato salad goes bad easily and somewhere someone will pay for it the next day. Rolls get hard in like....ten minutes.
And while masses are pretty? They take fucking FOREVER. Which is okay if you're Catholic. Catholics are used to it. Everyone else will make an exception for you because if they are at your funeral, they probably liked you.
Maybe not have Aunt Bernice sing. You know why.
Keep in mind that when you spend 20,000$ for that glitzy coffin? It is going into the ground, never to be seen again. Why not buy the cheaper one and give that money to your grandkids to help them with their student loans?
Just a thought.
If I can be at my memorial service, I plan to attend. I want to see the faces of those I love. You probably will, too. If that person that you hated in life attends and you know that they hated you, too? Wouldn't it be fun to goose them?
Again. Just a thought.
We might be dead, but I think that you take a lot of yourself with you. If you are a smug little bitch, I plan to goose you.
You know you have it coming. So, maybe stay home that day instead of faking something.
It's my party and I'll goose if I wanna.
My sister, P, got me thinking of funerals. She told me that she has had her funeral details in place for over a decade. That she re-visits the details and tweaks them every few years to suit her changing tastes.
When I found out that I had breast cancer, I decided to plan out my funeral. Or in my case....my memorial service. I am not religious. At all. And I am not the sort of person who is going to suddenly become a deeply religious person just because I am dying. I know mostly what I DO NOT want.
I DO NOT WANT:
1) a funeral in a church. Especially not a Catholic church. I was baptized in the Catholic Church but I left years ago. I do not believe in many of the tenets of the Catholic church.
2) bible verses. I have read the bible. I find some of it to be very beautiful and very instructive and interesting. But...I read the bible with a scholar's mind. It was written by many, many men. Men. No women. Enough said.
3) sap head songs. Ok. One sap head song. That's it.
4) my service to be long. I want it to be under a half hour.
I DO WANT:
1) a memorial service in a building by water. Or if it is nice....held outside. T and I have looked into several venues and found two that will do.
2) meaningful readings. Intelligent, witty readings. Things that meant something to me.
3) music. Good music that meant something to me. Maybe a song that makes everyone sort of chuckle. This is not a Sturm and Drang time. I will have died and gone on to either help replenish the planet with my ashes and/or to a more beautiful place.
4) a short, but sweet service. With food at the end. Not banquet food. Cookies. Cake. Fudge. Cupcakes. Really good coffee with cream and sugar in abundance. Pumpkin juice for the kids.
Mostly, I want people to feel free to stand up and talk about me. Preferably about times when I was at my best, but times when I was not at my best but did something funny are okay, too. I think that memorial services are a celebration of the good in the person who died. I was not always perfect, but I did a few good things in my life that can be shouted out.
I do not want to be buried. I have already donated my burial plot next to my Dad back to the cemetery. It will now go to a Navy veteran who needs a plot. My Dad would have liked that. No. I want to be cremated and T knows what to do with my ashes. It will stay between the two of us. If you want to find me, just give me a shout out in your head and I will try to be there, if it is possible. If not, you will never know and you can just pretend. Even if I was buried, I can assure you that I am not the type of person to hang around a cemetery. I'd rather see Paris.
No flowers. Bring rocks. A pretty rock from your yard. Put it in a bowl and at the end of the service, take a rock out of the bowl that isn't the one you brought in. Take it home with you and put it in your rose bushes or your tulip bed or maybe your tomato pot.
Flowers die. Rocks live on.
I think the most important thing to do is make your funeral yours. If you are a devoted Catholic, have a Catholic service with all the bells and whistles. If you want to have flamenco dancers weaving around with boa scarves, do it. This is your one chance to have things exactly as you wish.
Go for it, dude. But, take a hint? Nobody likes banquet-y foods at a funeral. Fried chicken will just get everyone's fingers all greasy and ruin their pretty outfits. Potato salad goes bad easily and somewhere someone will pay for it the next day. Rolls get hard in like....ten minutes.
And while masses are pretty? They take fucking FOREVER. Which is okay if you're Catholic. Catholics are used to it. Everyone else will make an exception for you because if they are at your funeral, they probably liked you.
Maybe not have Aunt Bernice sing. You know why.
Keep in mind that when you spend 20,000$ for that glitzy coffin? It is going into the ground, never to be seen again. Why not buy the cheaper one and give that money to your grandkids to help them with their student loans?
Just a thought.
If I can be at my memorial service, I plan to attend. I want to see the faces of those I love. You probably will, too. If that person that you hated in life attends and you know that they hated you, too? Wouldn't it be fun to goose them?
Again. Just a thought.
We might be dead, but I think that you take a lot of yourself with you. If you are a smug little bitch, I plan to goose you.
You know you have it coming. So, maybe stay home that day instead of faking something.
It's my party and I'll goose if I wanna.
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