The reasons

This morning my phone rang about 8:00. I blearily reached for it. 8:00 didn't used to be really early. But, now...in this strange place called Cancerland, 8:00 is really, really early. 

It was T, calling from school. 

"I'm SO sorry to wake you up," she whispered. "Are you awake?"

I looked at the phone and groaned. "That depends," I said. "WHO the fuck is this?"

T laughed. Sort of. "Sorry. I thought you'd look at caller id before you picked up. It's me. Your sheepish wife."

"I don't have a sheepish wife. I have a wife who brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan for me."

She laughs. "Okay, well...I need you to do something hard for me. This is going to sound insane, but I need you to go out to the garage and check and see if I left the car on." 

"WHAT?"

Turns out that this morning that when T left for work, she moved the cars out of the garage so that she could snowblow the driveway first. (Oh, the joy of Winter on the prairie!) She put her car back in the garage and took my car to work because it is bigger and she had a bunch of stuff to haul.  

Here's the weird part. She has a new car. We are just getting used to this fancy pants sort of luxury. 1) It starts without a key. You would be amazed at how cool we thought that was. 2) It is extremely quiet. Sometimes it is running and we. don't. know. it. Yes. It is that quiet. And because it runs without a key....she parked it in the garage and then took my car and was now concerned that she had left it running inside the garage. 

I wish I could say that I jumped right out of bed and said something really sweet-wifely like, "Oh, sure. No biggie!!" Instead, I almost started crying. You would have thought that she wanted me to walk across a desert for a drink of water in 100 degree heat. 

At first, I tried to argue. "I'm sure you shut it off. I'm TIRED. It is SO cold out there!" 

Finally, she used her teacher voice. "Honey, I'm sorry. But, if there is a chance that I left it on, there is a chance that you could die breathing those fumes. Now. GET UP and go check and then call me back, okay?"

My body screamed all the way, but I did it. I walked in my nightgown and slippers all the way to the back door before realizing that I forgot my house key to unlock the door. Went back to my purse in the bedroom to get said key. This probably sounds like no big deal to you. For me, it was hard. My legs are like Frankenstein in the morning. My hands will not grip. Went outside to the car and literally walked up to the car and leaned into it because it is so fucking quiet to check to see if it was on. It was not. I limped back into the house, slipping twice and saying some terrible curse words that were not elegant at all.

I saw a note on the kitchen counter and took it back to bed with me. Called her. 

"It was off."

"Whew! I figured that the car would do that honking thing that it does when you accidentally leave it on but I wasn't sure and I kept thinking how here we are so scared of cancer and wouldn't it just be fucking sick if I came home to find that I had killed you with carbon monoxide fumes...."

I sat and thought for a second. "Actually, that would not be a bad way to die, you know. We need to put that on the list." 

"Not funny, dude. I have to get back to teaching. I'm so sorry that I woke you up. Go back to sleep, honey. We did these disgusting kissing noises that we have started since I was diagnosed with terminal cancer and hung up. 

The List. 

The list is something that T and I figured that we would never have to talk about. The list is something we have just in case I die a really slow, awful death. I do not want to die being a burden on my family. T maintains that she does not now, nor ever will, see me as a burden. In any case, we've talked about alternate ways to die. 

I could stockpile pain pills. Swallow them. 
We could move to California, Colorado, Oregon or Vermont and establish residency and then I could off myself legally. 
Or T's favorite: Drive off the Grand Canyon in true Thelma and Louise style. This is a no-go with me. I want her to live a long and happy life after I die. She swears that without me, she cannot do that. We argue about this. 

But, now...I see how this garage thing could be an option....

Judge if you must, but when you are standing in my shoes....see what you think. 

I slowly slid back in the bed and glanced down at the note that T had left me on the kitchen counter. It said: Be really extremely careful in garage. 

I had to snicker just a little bit. 

P.S....Tiffany, I deleted your comments because I want to protect your privacy. But, I want to hear more! Let's keep communicating....Know that I am so happy that you've landed so beautifully on your little air fern feet....