Valentine's Day blues
I wish that I had some witty repartee today. I don't. I woke up with the typical day after chemo shot blues.
Must it hurt this much? I feel as if I am struggling to walk through fog. My thoughts are chunky and too thick on my tongue to talk about.
I am just so tired of this shit.
I look back on my old life and I ache for it. I want to wake up like I used to and slide out of bed, take a shower, and go to work. Maybe water the plants in the break room before I tackle all that paperwork. Visit with everyone. Joke about how that bitchy receptionist will get a huge bouquet of roses from her hubby for Valentine's Day. And WHY does she have to constantly refer to him as her hubby or worse...the hubs? She is such a bitch and her husband is such a nice guy. And there is Julia from accounting who is so damn sweet and kind and she keeps going on those unsuccessful Tinder dates. Why can't SHE get those roses...? Oh, well. That's life...We'd clink coffee cups and get to work. Someone would say that there was tomato soup and grilled cheese in the lunch cafe across the street today...everybody's favorite.
I want to go into my office and.....WORK. I want to meet families and look at little faces and hope that I can make it all better for them. And then after work, I want to go home and be awake enough to watch that new Chris Pine show with T and then the news. Maybe get some pizza takeout and exchange goofy cards.
Instead...I will just do....this. I will take a nap this afternoon because the day after the chemo shot is the worst. Go to bed at 7. T will get in with me even if she isn't tired just because she always watches me like a hawk the day after the chemo shot. I will lay in her arms and fall into the kind of sleep that I never thought was possible was until now. A sleep so deep that it is like sinking into a dark ocean.
Except there are no whales singing. Just nothingness.
Some days are not fist shaking I WILL SURVIVE! YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, CANCER days. Some days are holding-on-to-the-side-of-the-boat days even though your fingers are ice cold and there is not a rescuer in sight.
Wanna go get high?
Must it hurt this much? I feel as if I am struggling to walk through fog. My thoughts are chunky and too thick on my tongue to talk about.
I am just so tired of this shit.
I look back on my old life and I ache for it. I want to wake up like I used to and slide out of bed, take a shower, and go to work. Maybe water the plants in the break room before I tackle all that paperwork. Visit with everyone. Joke about how that bitchy receptionist will get a huge bouquet of roses from her hubby for Valentine's Day. And WHY does she have to constantly refer to him as her hubby or worse...the hubs? She is such a bitch and her husband is such a nice guy. And there is Julia from accounting who is so damn sweet and kind and she keeps going on those unsuccessful Tinder dates. Why can't SHE get those roses...? Oh, well. That's life...We'd clink coffee cups and get to work. Someone would say that there was tomato soup and grilled cheese in the lunch cafe across the street today...everybody's favorite.
I want to go into my office and.....WORK. I want to meet families and look at little faces and hope that I can make it all better for them. And then after work, I want to go home and be awake enough to watch that new Chris Pine show with T and then the news. Maybe get some pizza takeout and exchange goofy cards.
Instead...I will just do....this. I will take a nap this afternoon because the day after the chemo shot is the worst. Go to bed at 7. T will get in with me even if she isn't tired just because she always watches me like a hawk the day after the chemo shot. I will lay in her arms and fall into the kind of sleep that I never thought was possible was until now. A sleep so deep that it is like sinking into a dark ocean.
Except there are no whales singing. Just nothingness.
Some days are not fist shaking I WILL SURVIVE! YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, CANCER days. Some days are holding-on-to-the-side-of-the-boat days even though your fingers are ice cold and there is not a rescuer in sight.
Wanna go get high?
Comments
Post a Comment