Side effects
When you are diagnosed with cancer, your first instinct is to grab the oncologist and scream, "Get this shit out of me. Now. Do whatever you need to do, just fix it."
So, you probably aren't paying a lot of attention to the reams of paperwork that come with all the medication you are given. The bags of fluid, the shots, the pills. Or maybe you are the type who reads that shit line for line.
I was not that person. In fact, I am a hypochondriac. Therefore, I simply peruse the drug interactions on any drug that I am prescribed and call it a day. I DO NOT want to know possible side effects because if I read about them, I will probably sprout them. I know this from experience.
Instead, I simply notice if things happen and then look to see if they are side effects. So, this is how I know that everything that is currently happening to me now is to be expected.
This is not to say that they are fun. They are decidedly not. Nope. Not fun. But, if you are currently being treated for metastatic breast cancer and you are curious about side effects.....here goes:
1) Your hair might fall out. Mine has. Fallen out. Or most of it. I have not shaved my head yet because I am waiting for Spring so that I can have T shave it for me outside and not have hair all over my kitchen floor. Because even if you put down lots of newspapers, it gets everywhere. Instead, I went to my nearest Great Clips and simply asked them to cut my hair as short as they could without me looking like a marine. I figured this would be less hair to fall out. This has worked well for me because my hair has not fallen out all at once. It has chosen sides. My left side fell out first. Then the back. Currently, my right side and top of my head are still partially intact. I look ridiculous, so I wear a hat everywhere.
2) Your bones will ache like a motherfucker. I mean it. Some days (but it will usually happen at 2:35 a.m.) you will feel as if someone is wringing your bone like a wet washcloth. Other times, it will feel as if someone has just kicked you good and hard right in the shin. Or the forearm. Or the top of your foot. Sometimes, it will be a dull ache. You will learn to ignore this. Sometimes, it will be a sharp ache that feels like a knife stuck in you. You will not be able to ignore this. You will endure this. Because, believe me, I am on some heavy duty pain killers and they will not help. The only thing that will bring you relief will be lotion with CBD in it. No. You will not get high. Don't be an idiot. But, it will help. If, like me, you live in a state where for some goddamn stupid backwoods reason this is illegal, you will rely on your favorite cousin to send it to you. Luckily, my state has recently decided that CBD oil is no longer a criminal offense, so I no longer have to depend on my incredibly sweet cousin from San Diego to send it to me by mail. CBD lotions and oils are incredibly helpful. So is weed. Yes. Weed. The kind you smoke. And yes, that does get you high. But, if you take it in small quantities, it mostly just takes the pain away. I honestly do not get why it is okay with my state if I drink myself into oblivion to escape the pain...which compromises almost EVERY single drug that I take..., but if I smoke a joint...which has literally NO INTERACTION AT ALL with drugs, I am a criminal. So, yes...I get my weed from other sources. I am lucky that I have relatives and friends who live out of town who are more than happy to help me with my pain. If you ever saw me weeping in a fetal position from the bone pain, you would find a way to get me a joint, too. Well, unless you have a heart the size of the grinch or are just a shitty person.
3) You will get mouth sores. These are also not fun, but not so bad that you think you might die. Or just wish to die. They are inconvenient and sting. Think back to the last time you had a canker sore. Now, imagine having one on your tongue, another on the left side of your cheek and still one more stuck between two of your teeth. Spitting out blood when you brush your teeth is so sexy. I depend on medical mouthwash. Your oncologist will give you some. It works pretty well.
4) Neuropathy. You will get this in your hands and feet. Remember that time when you woke up and had slept on your arm funny and it was asleep? Well, that is kind of what neuropathy feels like. Plus, every once in a while, you will feel as if a sharp sliver of pain is shooting up your foot or your hand. It hurts. But, you'll live. Frankly, you will be probably be so distracted concentrating on the bone pain that you will barely notice that your feet are numb and that you have to think carefully before you try to pick up a glass or a book because you can't really feel them in your hand.
5) Fatigue. Sorry. This is another big one and a huge pain in the ass if you are a working man or woman. I worked when I had breast cancer for the first time, but I have no idea how I managed to do it. I can't describe the fatigue to you really. I just can't. It is immense. It is huge. It takes over your life and spills all over your social life. You will fall asleep during movies, conversations with friends and family, and even sometimes during meals. You will be so tired that washing your hair in the shower will seem like a chore. You will go to bed at 8 p.m. and sleep like the dead until noon the next day. And when you wake up, you will not feel refreshed. Your bed will be like a siren constantly calling you back to the sea of it. Sometimes, the fatigue will almost be welcomed because it will lessen the bone pain a bit. You will be so tired that pain doesn't compute much.
6) Taste. You will lose the ability to really taste much. Food will all taste the same. I have discovered that this is kind of different with all people. For me, food has a sort of metallic taste to it. Like pennies. I can kind of taste it, but not exactly and there is this after taste of metal, coppery. Even water has it. For others in my cancer group, one woman described it as feeling as if all food had an acid base to it. Another said that everything she ate tasted like sour milk. A man I know described it as, "Nothingness. Food tastes like nothing. I used to just love baking for my kids, my wife. Now, I can't taste anything. Not even chocolate. God, how I miss a good piece of dark smoky chocolate." I can see a few of you smart asses thinking that this might be a perk of having cancer. Trust me. It isn't. Cancer takes so much joy out of your life. It makes you really have to hunt that happy down.
7) Nausea. This is something that I have been relatively lucky with this time around. I don't get very nauseated except for the first week of chemo. For me, I am on chemo for 21 days and then off for 7. This means that I am nauseated for the first 7 days and then not so much. It does come and go. And for some, it is really bad all of the time. The first time I battled cancer, I lost 63 pounds because I was sick to my stomach and puked nearly constantly. So, I am thankful for small favors this time around.
8) Chemo brain. Everyone gets it. Everyone. Some call it the fog. Others say it is like they just can't wake up. For me, I feel as if it is thinking, but in slow motion. I can still function, still think, still talk. Except I feel as if I am in slow motion. My thoughts come slowly. I am no longer fast with the witty comebacks. I still have them, mind you....I just get them ten minutes later. Someone else in my group described it as feeling high all the time, but not a good, happy high. More like a sad, unhappy high.
9) Rashes. Another thing I have been spared this third time. But, the second time I fought cancer, when I had leukemia, I had terrible rashes on my arms, my legs, and my back. Also, on my butt cheeks. Itchy, splotchy rashes. It was very unsightly. I haven't experienced those this time around and I am so glad. There were some days when I wanted to scratch my butt SO BADLY but I was in treatment all day long and could not, so I just squirmed in my chair a lot. I also had an accommodating wife who was willing to scratch my back and butt cheeks for me. That helped.
10) Smelly pee. This seems to also be universal. It is just a side effect of that fucking chemo. When it first happened to me, I was appalled. I thought there was something wrong with my sniffer. I would pee and think, "Good hell, this reeks! My nose must be really off..." Once, I actually asked my wife to come smell my pee and see if it was just me. She was reluctant, but did confirm that yes....my pee did stink something awful. "Kind of like something that has been sitting in the sun too long," was how she put it. I asked my oncologist about it and she confirmed that yes, that is a common side effect. In group, we often talk about how we cannot believe that something that smells that awful can come out of us. It can. It does. Just flush.
There are so many other side effects, I am sure....but I have not experienced them, so I won't be able to mention them. But, just know...you aren't alone.
It seems so unfair, doesn't it? I mean, here you have to go through this horrid thing and then to add insult to injury, you have these wicked side effects. Sorry; I'm just the messenger.
But, you know....my old friend, who is now deceased, once told me:
"The best part is...you die and it is all over."
I admit that I like knowing that if there is a heaven, I won't be tormented with butt cheek rashes, mouth sores or fatigue. No. I plan to party my fucking ass off.
So, you probably aren't paying a lot of attention to the reams of paperwork that come with all the medication you are given. The bags of fluid, the shots, the pills. Or maybe you are the type who reads that shit line for line.
I was not that person. In fact, I am a hypochondriac. Therefore, I simply peruse the drug interactions on any drug that I am prescribed and call it a day. I DO NOT want to know possible side effects because if I read about them, I will probably sprout them. I know this from experience.
Instead, I simply notice if things happen and then look to see if they are side effects. So, this is how I know that everything that is currently happening to me now is to be expected.
This is not to say that they are fun. They are decidedly not. Nope. Not fun. But, if you are currently being treated for metastatic breast cancer and you are curious about side effects.....here goes:
1) Your hair might fall out. Mine has. Fallen out. Or most of it. I have not shaved my head yet because I am waiting for Spring so that I can have T shave it for me outside and not have hair all over my kitchen floor. Because even if you put down lots of newspapers, it gets everywhere. Instead, I went to my nearest Great Clips and simply asked them to cut my hair as short as they could without me looking like a marine. I figured this would be less hair to fall out. This has worked well for me because my hair has not fallen out all at once. It has chosen sides. My left side fell out first. Then the back. Currently, my right side and top of my head are still partially intact. I look ridiculous, so I wear a hat everywhere.
2) Your bones will ache like a motherfucker. I mean it. Some days (but it will usually happen at 2:35 a.m.) you will feel as if someone is wringing your bone like a wet washcloth. Other times, it will feel as if someone has just kicked you good and hard right in the shin. Or the forearm. Or the top of your foot. Sometimes, it will be a dull ache. You will learn to ignore this. Sometimes, it will be a sharp ache that feels like a knife stuck in you. You will not be able to ignore this. You will endure this. Because, believe me, I am on some heavy duty pain killers and they will not help. The only thing that will bring you relief will be lotion with CBD in it. No. You will not get high. Don't be an idiot. But, it will help. If, like me, you live in a state where for some goddamn stupid backwoods reason this is illegal, you will rely on your favorite cousin to send it to you. Luckily, my state has recently decided that CBD oil is no longer a criminal offense, so I no longer have to depend on my incredibly sweet cousin from San Diego to send it to me by mail. CBD lotions and oils are incredibly helpful. So is weed. Yes. Weed. The kind you smoke. And yes, that does get you high. But, if you take it in small quantities, it mostly just takes the pain away. I honestly do not get why it is okay with my state if I drink myself into oblivion to escape the pain...which compromises almost EVERY single drug that I take..., but if I smoke a joint...which has literally NO INTERACTION AT ALL with drugs, I am a criminal. So, yes...I get my weed from other sources. I am lucky that I have relatives and friends who live out of town who are more than happy to help me with my pain. If you ever saw me weeping in a fetal position from the bone pain, you would find a way to get me a joint, too. Well, unless you have a heart the size of the grinch or are just a shitty person.
3) You will get mouth sores. These are also not fun, but not so bad that you think you might die. Or just wish to die. They are inconvenient and sting. Think back to the last time you had a canker sore. Now, imagine having one on your tongue, another on the left side of your cheek and still one more stuck between two of your teeth. Spitting out blood when you brush your teeth is so sexy. I depend on medical mouthwash. Your oncologist will give you some. It works pretty well.
4) Neuropathy. You will get this in your hands and feet. Remember that time when you woke up and had slept on your arm funny and it was asleep? Well, that is kind of what neuropathy feels like. Plus, every once in a while, you will feel as if a sharp sliver of pain is shooting up your foot or your hand. It hurts. But, you'll live. Frankly, you will be probably be so distracted concentrating on the bone pain that you will barely notice that your feet are numb and that you have to think carefully before you try to pick up a glass or a book because you can't really feel them in your hand.
5) Fatigue. Sorry. This is another big one and a huge pain in the ass if you are a working man or woman. I worked when I had breast cancer for the first time, but I have no idea how I managed to do it. I can't describe the fatigue to you really. I just can't. It is immense. It is huge. It takes over your life and spills all over your social life. You will fall asleep during movies, conversations with friends and family, and even sometimes during meals. You will be so tired that washing your hair in the shower will seem like a chore. You will go to bed at 8 p.m. and sleep like the dead until noon the next day. And when you wake up, you will not feel refreshed. Your bed will be like a siren constantly calling you back to the sea of it. Sometimes, the fatigue will almost be welcomed because it will lessen the bone pain a bit. You will be so tired that pain doesn't compute much.
6) Taste. You will lose the ability to really taste much. Food will all taste the same. I have discovered that this is kind of different with all people. For me, food has a sort of metallic taste to it. Like pennies. I can kind of taste it, but not exactly and there is this after taste of metal, coppery. Even water has it. For others in my cancer group, one woman described it as feeling as if all food had an acid base to it. Another said that everything she ate tasted like sour milk. A man I know described it as, "Nothingness. Food tastes like nothing. I used to just love baking for my kids, my wife. Now, I can't taste anything. Not even chocolate. God, how I miss a good piece of dark smoky chocolate." I can see a few of you smart asses thinking that this might be a perk of having cancer. Trust me. It isn't. Cancer takes so much joy out of your life. It makes you really have to hunt that happy down.
7) Nausea. This is something that I have been relatively lucky with this time around. I don't get very nauseated except for the first week of chemo. For me, I am on chemo for 21 days and then off for 7. This means that I am nauseated for the first 7 days and then not so much. It does come and go. And for some, it is really bad all of the time. The first time I battled cancer, I lost 63 pounds because I was sick to my stomach and puked nearly constantly. So, I am thankful for small favors this time around.
8) Chemo brain. Everyone gets it. Everyone. Some call it the fog. Others say it is like they just can't wake up. For me, I feel as if it is thinking, but in slow motion. I can still function, still think, still talk. Except I feel as if I am in slow motion. My thoughts come slowly. I am no longer fast with the witty comebacks. I still have them, mind you....I just get them ten minutes later. Someone else in my group described it as feeling high all the time, but not a good, happy high. More like a sad, unhappy high.
9) Rashes. Another thing I have been spared this third time. But, the second time I fought cancer, when I had leukemia, I had terrible rashes on my arms, my legs, and my back. Also, on my butt cheeks. Itchy, splotchy rashes. It was very unsightly. I haven't experienced those this time around and I am so glad. There were some days when I wanted to scratch my butt SO BADLY but I was in treatment all day long and could not, so I just squirmed in my chair a lot. I also had an accommodating wife who was willing to scratch my back and butt cheeks for me. That helped.
10) Smelly pee. This seems to also be universal. It is just a side effect of that fucking chemo. When it first happened to me, I was appalled. I thought there was something wrong with my sniffer. I would pee and think, "Good hell, this reeks! My nose must be really off..." Once, I actually asked my wife to come smell my pee and see if it was just me. She was reluctant, but did confirm that yes....my pee did stink something awful. "Kind of like something that has been sitting in the sun too long," was how she put it. I asked my oncologist about it and she confirmed that yes, that is a common side effect. In group, we often talk about how we cannot believe that something that smells that awful can come out of us. It can. It does. Just flush.
There are so many other side effects, I am sure....but I have not experienced them, so I won't be able to mention them. But, just know...you aren't alone.
It seems so unfair, doesn't it? I mean, here you have to go through this horrid thing and then to add insult to injury, you have these wicked side effects. Sorry; I'm just the messenger.
But, you know....my old friend, who is now deceased, once told me:
"The best part is...you die and it is all over."
I admit that I like knowing that if there is a heaven, I won't be tormented with butt cheek rashes, mouth sores or fatigue. No. I plan to party my fucking ass off.
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