The Pull of the Moon
It was a bit after midnight when I woke up. T installed these new blinds that keep the light out so well that I had to check my Timex indiglo to see how late it was.
12 midnight on the nose. And then I saw it. Streaming in between a tiny crease in the blinds there was a slim shining light. It looked as if someone was aiming a bright flashlight directly into the window and creating a small spotlight from the window down to the floor. I almost rolled over and went back to sleep, but something pulled me to get up and investigate. Carefully, I slipped out of bed. It hurt. Everything hurts at first. It takes a few stretches now to make the pain lessen. I went to the window and peeked out.
And there it was. This moon. This incredible moon shining right into my window, hung up in the sky like a gift just for me. The full crow moon of March.
I stood shivering in my nightgown, transfixed by it. So incredibly luminous that it had penetrated my night blinds. It seemed high polished and such a perfect orb that I could hardly stand it. I gently pulled open the blinds and let that moonshadow come streaming like a waterfall into the bedroom. Luckily, T had slept in the guest room because I'm in my first week of chemo and I tend to ache more, become nauseated if she even turns around. So, it was just me and the moon.
And we were delighted to see each other. My eyes filled with tears, blearing the sight of it and I swiftly wiped them away. I didn't want to miss one second of her beauty. My chest swelled with love. I felt so thankful for the beauty of this moon. This incredible gift. How had I gone for so many years and not properly noticed how lovely the moon was? And how could I leave it? Ever?
I felt it pulsing, pulling at me. I suddenly had a crazy urge to go outside and stand in the yard and look up at it. I stopped myself. Any of that nonsense and T would be after me and not happy. Plus, it was a practical calamity. My balance is precarious on concrete. On soil? It would be asking for a bad fall. But, it was so compelling. I almost felt that I could be beamed aboard the moon like some lost Scotty from Star Trek. I wanted to be there. Right on it.
Suddenly my heart was full of too much of everything. Good, bad, sad, joyous, kind, mean spirited....pieces of life everywhere. I felt as if there were a tribe of us moon watchers and we were all banded together, just staring at the perfection of it.
A teenage boy with too much weed in his blood.
An older man who had gotten up to pee and couldn't, but stood now watching out the window and as frozen with love as I was.
A baby holding a stuffed giraffe, staring. Not knowing what it was seeing really, but babies don't really have to define anything, they just accept beauty with open hands.
I heard snatches of conversations in my head. My father sitting outside on the back steps with me, pointing out the seven sisters, the Pleiades.
"I wanted to name you Maia after one of them, but your mother didn't like it."
My sister calling me too early one morning, asking if I wanted to meet for coffee.
"I have to get out of this damn house."
T whispering in my ear before sleep.
"I love you, I love you, I love you. I will never stop loving you. Ever."
My mother standing at the kitchen sink.
"I've never understood you, always thought you were the oddest child."
My high school English teacher.
"I hope you use that talent. So many don't."
My massage therapist.
"I keep hoping that you write a children's book about that fox."
The lady at Target, talking to her child.
"Not that line. Come into this line. We don't want to get too close to those people." There was a Muslim woman and her baby in front. If they heard her, they didn't show it. I tried to catch her eye to smile at her, but she wasn't making eye contact with anyone.
I felt these voices all at once and separately. It was crazy and it was profound. I was trembling.
And still the moon pulled me.
Finally, pain won over. My legs were too weary to stand any longer. I limped to the bathroom. Peed. Washed my hands with the too cold water that you only get in the Winter. In the Summer, when you'd love a cold blast of water, it comes out tepid.
I almost didn't shut the blind back up, but sleep was calling me harder than the moon now, so I did. I crawled back into the bed and fell asleep.
I would dream the familiar nightmares later, but first I dreamed of a house with terra cotta floors and a beautiful bed with crisp white sheets. An open window, bright warm sunshine and a man in a court yard calling me.
It was a lovely last gift from the moon.
12 midnight on the nose. And then I saw it. Streaming in between a tiny crease in the blinds there was a slim shining light. It looked as if someone was aiming a bright flashlight directly into the window and creating a small spotlight from the window down to the floor. I almost rolled over and went back to sleep, but something pulled me to get up and investigate. Carefully, I slipped out of bed. It hurt. Everything hurts at first. It takes a few stretches now to make the pain lessen. I went to the window and peeked out.
And there it was. This moon. This incredible moon shining right into my window, hung up in the sky like a gift just for me. The full crow moon of March.
I stood shivering in my nightgown, transfixed by it. So incredibly luminous that it had penetrated my night blinds. It seemed high polished and such a perfect orb that I could hardly stand it. I gently pulled open the blinds and let that moonshadow come streaming like a waterfall into the bedroom. Luckily, T had slept in the guest room because I'm in my first week of chemo and I tend to ache more, become nauseated if she even turns around. So, it was just me and the moon.
And we were delighted to see each other. My eyes filled with tears, blearing the sight of it and I swiftly wiped them away. I didn't want to miss one second of her beauty. My chest swelled with love. I felt so thankful for the beauty of this moon. This incredible gift. How had I gone for so many years and not properly noticed how lovely the moon was? And how could I leave it? Ever?
I felt it pulsing, pulling at me. I suddenly had a crazy urge to go outside and stand in the yard and look up at it. I stopped myself. Any of that nonsense and T would be after me and not happy. Plus, it was a practical calamity. My balance is precarious on concrete. On soil? It would be asking for a bad fall. But, it was so compelling. I almost felt that I could be beamed aboard the moon like some lost Scotty from Star Trek. I wanted to be there. Right on it.
Suddenly my heart was full of too much of everything. Good, bad, sad, joyous, kind, mean spirited....pieces of life everywhere. I felt as if there were a tribe of us moon watchers and we were all banded together, just staring at the perfection of it.
A teenage boy with too much weed in his blood.
An older man who had gotten up to pee and couldn't, but stood now watching out the window and as frozen with love as I was.
A baby holding a stuffed giraffe, staring. Not knowing what it was seeing really, but babies don't really have to define anything, they just accept beauty with open hands.
I heard snatches of conversations in my head. My father sitting outside on the back steps with me, pointing out the seven sisters, the Pleiades.
"I wanted to name you Maia after one of them, but your mother didn't like it."
My sister calling me too early one morning, asking if I wanted to meet for coffee.
"I have to get out of this damn house."
T whispering in my ear before sleep.
"I love you, I love you, I love you. I will never stop loving you. Ever."
My mother standing at the kitchen sink.
"I've never understood you, always thought you were the oddest child."
My high school English teacher.
"I hope you use that talent. So many don't."
My massage therapist.
"I keep hoping that you write a children's book about that fox."
The lady at Target, talking to her child.
"Not that line. Come into this line. We don't want to get too close to those people." There was a Muslim woman and her baby in front. If they heard her, they didn't show it. I tried to catch her eye to smile at her, but she wasn't making eye contact with anyone.
I felt these voices all at once and separately. It was crazy and it was profound. I was trembling.
And still the moon pulled me.
Finally, pain won over. My legs were too weary to stand any longer. I limped to the bathroom. Peed. Washed my hands with the too cold water that you only get in the Winter. In the Summer, when you'd love a cold blast of water, it comes out tepid.
I almost didn't shut the blind back up, but sleep was calling me harder than the moon now, so I did. I crawled back into the bed and fell asleep.
I would dream the familiar nightmares later, but first I dreamed of a house with terra cotta floors and a beautiful bed with crisp white sheets. An open window, bright warm sunshine and a man in a court yard calling me.
It was a lovely last gift from the moon.
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