You And I Again

I miss you. You're at school, teaching. I'm going to see you in just a few hours. 

You came in to kiss me goodbye before you left this morning as you always do. We did the same ole, same ole. Kissed, said we'd see each other this evening. It was still a little dark, but the shapes in the room were obvious. The dresser. That chair. The jade plant with its little paddle arms spread out against the blinds, patiently waiting for me to let the sun in. I heard the back door shut, heard the garage door open. 

The house felt like it always does when you go these days. Like a too quiet place. A hushiness that makes my skin go cold. I nuzzled under the covers, tried to go back to sleep. My body needed it. I knew this 

Instead, I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling. I miss you. I thought back to all the days not so long ago when I used to love being alone in the house. I used to crave some time to just read by myself without CNN or jazz blaring in the background. Sometimes when you were around, I would deliberately go outside just to be alone. Didn't feel like talking.

I think maybe the same was true for you as well, although you say it has never been so. 

"I love and have loved every second with you."


Now, we are like newlyweds or when we first fell in love. We fall into each other's arms when the other has been gone. There seems to be so much to say. We feel time catching up to us and we grab hands and run. Time with other people is time that we can't be alone.


I have laughed and cried more in the last four months than I have done in years with you. Sometimes I fangirl you across the room. You'll be paying bills or grading papers and I will just watch you, catching your essence. My heart is filled to the brim for you. 

In the mornings, after you leave....my heart sinks. Another day to fill without you. I get up, do my stuff. When I hear the garage door opening in the late afternoon, I feel my heart speed up like it used to when we were first together. You come in and we come together for a long hug and kiss, so grateful for the other. 

We talk and talk and talk. Our hands find each other and clasp always. We rarely discuss mundane things anymore. Now, we talk about our life together. Old pets. L. S. C. We avoid going too far into the future. It is mostly just two people waiting for a train that we hope is very, very late.

At night, in the dark, sometimes we cry. But, not so much anymore. The shock of the diagnosis is over now and we are honing in on just feasting on the other's words. It is like I suddenly remember why I fell in love with you: because you are always the smartest, most interesting person in the room. 

I imagine our auras swirling crazily around each other, entwining and dancing. Your arms are the place where I feel safest. I know that you will protect me, love me, always in that fierce way that has always been there but I often forgot. 

I tell you that I can't die because I cannot imagine any place I would want to go without you. You whisper back that I just need to wait. Wherever I am, just wait. You will find me. 

You and I. Me and you. Us. It's always been us from the moment we met. A mismatched set that somehow works perfectly. 

I love you so.