Cold Day In May
Ugh. Not even 40 degrees. I know. I know. In another month, I will be pining for cooler weather. But, it kind of messed up my plans today.
Had labs yesterday. And still no good news. I am getting better at hearing bad news. In fact, when something is NOT bad, I am surprised. I did have a piece of good news: my kidney infection is clearing up. So, I suppose that my immune system is at least trying.
But, the cancer markers keep rising. The white blood cells and platelets keep falling. I am severely anemic and dehydrated. Still, I was able to get my chemo shot and am to stay on my oral chemo. As I rode up in the elevator with two other women in our charming head wraps, one looked at me and said, "Sometimes, I feel like warning people....DEAD WOMAN WALKING..."
I burst out laughing. The other woman in the elevator looked shocked and offended. I am betting that she is one of those who does her yoga faithfully and visualizes her white blood cells as tiny ninjas attacking her cancer cells. I get it.
But, for me? I FAR prefer morbid joking. Mostly because if you don't find the humor, you will lose your mind. There are just too many dragons flying around. I keep dodging their fiery breath, but I can't do this forever, dudes.
I talked with my oncologist for a long time yesterday. She wanted to admit me to the hospital, so that I could get serious bed rest and 48 hours of iv nutrients. I declined. I will gladly come in and get a bag of nutrients every day, but I do not need to be hospitalized. Nothing will make me depressed faster than that. So, we agreed. I will come in and "get a bag" every day this week and next. I will drink 90 ounces of water per day. And if things aren't better by next month, we will take new scans. See if cancer has found a new place to hide.
Privately, I am feeling this. It is like walking through cement. Washing my hair in the shower has become difficult. My arms are so weak. Sometimes, I get up from a chair and the room spins. It isn't fun and I do hope it gets better. But, doing this in a hospital room would just be too hard. I'm not stupid. I know that I will be doing hospital time....just...not yet.
Plus, I think it is important that I try to stay a little active. Today, my plan was to rake up the herb beds in the yard. It's a small place and really just needs a few rakings to loosen up the soil for seedlings. So, I went outside, carefully carrying the lightest rake we have.
The cold blasted my face first. Holy shit. That was so cold! I pulled my phone out and checked the weather.
39 degrees. Wind 11 miles per hour, out of the north.
Too cold for planting. I resolutely raked the plant beds, then went inside to chug my water. I had planned to bring up my herb seedlings today, maybe even have the strength to plant them. I could see that this was not going to happen.
For me, planting day is always a joy. I go out into the warm sun and enjoy feeling my hands in the dark earth. Enjoy placing all those tiny babies in the dirt. Today would have been teeth chattering torture. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.
Probably better. Maybe I'd even have more energy.
Or less....the devil on my shoulder says. This has always been the dark part that I don't talk to anyone about. That part of me that has watched, horror stricken, as little by little, cancer has taken my abilities from me. First, I couldn't make it on a walk all around the pond. Then, I couldn't grocery shop alone. It creeps up and.....
snatches.
Instead, I sit in my chair, a hot cup of tea next to me. I close my eyes and concentrate on the faces of those whom I love. I think about a July day on a California beach, reading a book and listening to the waves pound.
There. Better.
Deep breaths. A sip of tea. Pick up a book. Pull up the blanket. Relax the spine. Think about the lady in the elevator.
Dead woman walking. Cackle.
Not just yet.
Had labs yesterday. And still no good news. I am getting better at hearing bad news. In fact, when something is NOT bad, I am surprised. I did have a piece of good news: my kidney infection is clearing up. So, I suppose that my immune system is at least trying.
But, the cancer markers keep rising. The white blood cells and platelets keep falling. I am severely anemic and dehydrated. Still, I was able to get my chemo shot and am to stay on my oral chemo. As I rode up in the elevator with two other women in our charming head wraps, one looked at me and said, "Sometimes, I feel like warning people....DEAD WOMAN WALKING..."
I burst out laughing. The other woman in the elevator looked shocked and offended. I am betting that she is one of those who does her yoga faithfully and visualizes her white blood cells as tiny ninjas attacking her cancer cells. I get it.
But, for me? I FAR prefer morbid joking. Mostly because if you don't find the humor, you will lose your mind. There are just too many dragons flying around. I keep dodging their fiery breath, but I can't do this forever, dudes.
I talked with my oncologist for a long time yesterday. She wanted to admit me to the hospital, so that I could get serious bed rest and 48 hours of iv nutrients. I declined. I will gladly come in and get a bag of nutrients every day, but I do not need to be hospitalized. Nothing will make me depressed faster than that. So, we agreed. I will come in and "get a bag" every day this week and next. I will drink 90 ounces of water per day. And if things aren't better by next month, we will take new scans. See if cancer has found a new place to hide.
Privately, I am feeling this. It is like walking through cement. Washing my hair in the shower has become difficult. My arms are so weak. Sometimes, I get up from a chair and the room spins. It isn't fun and I do hope it gets better. But, doing this in a hospital room would just be too hard. I'm not stupid. I know that I will be doing hospital time....just...not yet.
Plus, I think it is important that I try to stay a little active. Today, my plan was to rake up the herb beds in the yard. It's a small place and really just needs a few rakings to loosen up the soil for seedlings. So, I went outside, carefully carrying the lightest rake we have.
The cold blasted my face first. Holy shit. That was so cold! I pulled my phone out and checked the weather.
39 degrees. Wind 11 miles per hour, out of the north.
Too cold for planting. I resolutely raked the plant beds, then went inside to chug my water. I had planned to bring up my herb seedlings today, maybe even have the strength to plant them. I could see that this was not going to happen.
For me, planting day is always a joy. I go out into the warm sun and enjoy feeling my hands in the dark earth. Enjoy placing all those tiny babies in the dirt. Today would have been teeth chattering torture. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.
Probably better. Maybe I'd even have more energy.
Or less....the devil on my shoulder says. This has always been the dark part that I don't talk to anyone about. That part of me that has watched, horror stricken, as little by little, cancer has taken my abilities from me. First, I couldn't make it on a walk all around the pond. Then, I couldn't grocery shop alone. It creeps up and.....
snatches.
Instead, I sit in my chair, a hot cup of tea next to me. I close my eyes and concentrate on the faces of those whom I love. I think about a July day on a California beach, reading a book and listening to the waves pound.
There. Better.
Deep breaths. A sip of tea. Pick up a book. Pull up the blanket. Relax the spine. Think about the lady in the elevator.
Dead woman walking. Cackle.
Not just yet.
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