Dream

I have lots of dreams in the week after chemo. Some are awful...scary....my inner fears coming out in fits and starts. Others are such a respite that I crave going back to sleep, hoping to catch the tail end of it, to go back into that particular dream. 

I had one of those last night. I was sitting in some sort of cafeteria or cafe with steel tables. Chairs with cushions. I was the only person there except for a little Chinese girl who sat adjacent to me, eating noodles with chopsticks. She was darling and kept smiling at me in between bites. She waved her chopsticks at me, indicating that I should eat, too. And there was a red and blue bowl of buttery looking noodles in front of me. I picked up my chopsticks and had a taste. Delicious. I said something to the little girl, something about how nice it was to truly taste food. That I hadn't been able to taste food in such a long time. 

We both sat, eating and smiling. I realized that the child was wearing some sort of traditional Chinese wedding gown complete with head gear. I asked her if she was going to be married. She laughed merrily. 

"Not until I am older," she said in perfect English. 

I asked her where we were. She looked around, as if she, too, was not sure. Finally, she said, "We are having a dream. Let's try to stay calm and be happy." 

So, we did. We ate our noodles. Smiled. Relaxed. Finally, she said, "You should not doubt yourself. You have been right about nearly everything. But, you can't nudge people to do the correct thing. You can only do your best in your life. Be a good role model."

I felt so good in that dream. I was relaxed. I felt happy, serene. When I awakened, it was hard, as it always is. My body is in such a flux, in so much pain now. I closed my eyes and found that little girl's face again and slid back into my soft state. I reached for her hand but it was fading away, so I sighed and accepted the fact that the dream had ended. 

These dreams are my lifeline these days. I feel as if I am communicating with something bigger than myself. Something holier. Better. Something to aspire to. But, I also feel proud. I feel as if I have never stepped in a line just for the notion of being like all the rest. 

My choices were all mine. And I think that, for the most part, they were good ones. I've made mistakes. But, I have always tried to do the right thing even when it was difficult. I was born with a good spine and I have used it well over the years. 

I will have other good dreams and because I am human, I will have scary ones, too. But, these last steps of this journey, I will learn from my dreams and maybe I will stop to rest now and then, but the sword never leaves my hand. I think that I still have much to learn, so I pay attention. 

And little Chinese girls can be my teachers.