Three a.m. thoughts
I don't mind the house at 3 a.m. I like the darkness. The peace. I like listening to T breathe.
Sometimes, the pain forces me up out of the bed. It helps to walk, to get the charley horses out of my legs. I wrap a sweater around my nightgown with the cardinals on it and wander from room to room, looking out of the windows.
Our office looks out into a lovely oak tree with low hanging branches. If there is the slightest bit of wind, the tree branches sway back and forth. This window looks into the back yard of our neighbor, a single man who has a great deal of friends. There is almost always a light on and often, too, the shades are left open. I can see a TV screen. Can't really see what is on it. A movie. Various people are sprawled on the sofa, the floor. Someone trails in from the kitchen, a drink in hand. I always wonder what there is to talk about at three in the morning. But, they are all young. They have plenty to say.
I wander into the room with the huge plate glass window that looks out into the back yard. We have three trees out here. One a large, old oak and another large elm. There is a baby ash tree, too. The trees are too gorgeous for words in the Autumn with their golden and red leaves blanketing the ground. In the Spring, they turn our yard into a bright emerald green wonderland. I stand for a long time at this plate glass window, thinking, thinking. Thinking.
How I love my life. How I love the people in my life. How, in the world, did I get so lucky? I have a wife who is completely devoted to me. I am finishing up a low iodine diet in the last two weeks that has been difficult. Everything you like to eat has iodine in it. My wife, my T, has found a low iodine cookbook and has been finding things to bake and cook from it. Last night, when I mentioned that I miss eating bread, that I would just like ONE slice of toast with peanut butter on it.....she found a recipe for bisquits and made them. And I sat in my chair munching on a low iodine bisquit with peanut butter (low iodine) and blueberries (no iodine) on it. Tonight, she is going to make blueberry muffins.
This after working all day. She just does this for me. Because she loves me. It is a short term diet and will be done a week from today, but she devotes her life to making everything easier for me. How did I get this sort of luck?
I have a small group of friends whom I trust. Not many. I've never been the type to carry a large load of friends. It is a group of five. But, they are handpicked and completely trusted.
I live in this nice house and have a good life. I have walks in the park on many days. In one week, I will be able to eat whatever I want, well.....within reason. I love my life. So much.
I have Lucy. I have Conrad. I have Sarah. Just writing their names fills me with so much love that I can't express it properly. I have had so many happy, sweet days in their company.
I have a bookshelf filled with books that I haven't even read yet. One by one, I will get to them. Each time I find a particularly good one, I will feel a little jolt in my heart, knowledge that I have stumbled on to yet another piece of a miracle.
I have coffee. With cream (in a week!) I have movies and television shows that bring me such joy. I am going to see Bohemian Rhapsody this weekend with my niece, who is a person in my family whom I truly enjoy visiting with. I have another niece who has recently written a book. A BOOK, dudes. And it is excellent. I feel such pride that such talent exists in my bloodline.
There are always apples in every barrel that just shine. You just have to seek them out. So many days, I wonder how I was born into my family. I just don't....fit. And then, these apples pop out and I realize that there is beauty and that while I don't fit, I can still find places where I belong.
I often sit on the sofa in the dark hours of the morning. I think of how much I love being a part of this world. How much I love that intensely blue prairie sky on fall days. How wonderful it feels to step out into the cool air and then get in the car and slowly feel the heater warm my feet.
How beautiful the hanging crystals look in our bedroom window, the ones that my cousin sent me from California. How good water tastes when you are really thirsty. The way orange juice tastes like nothing else in the world.
The way that the dogs in the park pull against their leashes when they see me sitting on that park bench. The tail wagging, the happy eyes, the heads that butt into my knees, loving a good ear scratch.
I love so much about my life. I especially love our bed. That soft warmth after a shower. The way it feels to find my way back to the bedroom after my 3 a.m. ramblings are over. The softness of the pillow against my cheek, feeling my legs begin to warm. Knowing that there are a couple hours left before it is time to get up to start the day.
The sheer joy of this simple life. Lucky me.
Sometimes, the pain forces me up out of the bed. It helps to walk, to get the charley horses out of my legs. I wrap a sweater around my nightgown with the cardinals on it and wander from room to room, looking out of the windows.
Our office looks out into a lovely oak tree with low hanging branches. If there is the slightest bit of wind, the tree branches sway back and forth. This window looks into the back yard of our neighbor, a single man who has a great deal of friends. There is almost always a light on and often, too, the shades are left open. I can see a TV screen. Can't really see what is on it. A movie. Various people are sprawled on the sofa, the floor. Someone trails in from the kitchen, a drink in hand. I always wonder what there is to talk about at three in the morning. But, they are all young. They have plenty to say.
I wander into the room with the huge plate glass window that looks out into the back yard. We have three trees out here. One a large, old oak and another large elm. There is a baby ash tree, too. The trees are too gorgeous for words in the Autumn with their golden and red leaves blanketing the ground. In the Spring, they turn our yard into a bright emerald green wonderland. I stand for a long time at this plate glass window, thinking, thinking. Thinking.
How I love my life. How I love the people in my life. How, in the world, did I get so lucky? I have a wife who is completely devoted to me. I am finishing up a low iodine diet in the last two weeks that has been difficult. Everything you like to eat has iodine in it. My wife, my T, has found a low iodine cookbook and has been finding things to bake and cook from it. Last night, when I mentioned that I miss eating bread, that I would just like ONE slice of toast with peanut butter on it.....she found a recipe for bisquits and made them. And I sat in my chair munching on a low iodine bisquit with peanut butter (low iodine) and blueberries (no iodine) on it. Tonight, she is going to make blueberry muffins.
This after working all day. She just does this for me. Because she loves me. It is a short term diet and will be done a week from today, but she devotes her life to making everything easier for me. How did I get this sort of luck?
I have a small group of friends whom I trust. Not many. I've never been the type to carry a large load of friends. It is a group of five. But, they are handpicked and completely trusted.
I live in this nice house and have a good life. I have walks in the park on many days. In one week, I will be able to eat whatever I want, well.....within reason. I love my life. So much.
I have Lucy. I have Conrad. I have Sarah. Just writing their names fills me with so much love that I can't express it properly. I have had so many happy, sweet days in their company.
I have a bookshelf filled with books that I haven't even read yet. One by one, I will get to them. Each time I find a particularly good one, I will feel a little jolt in my heart, knowledge that I have stumbled on to yet another piece of a miracle.
I have coffee. With cream (in a week!) I have movies and television shows that bring me such joy. I am going to see Bohemian Rhapsody this weekend with my niece, who is a person in my family whom I truly enjoy visiting with. I have another niece who has recently written a book. A BOOK, dudes. And it is excellent. I feel such pride that such talent exists in my bloodline.
There are always apples in every barrel that just shine. You just have to seek them out. So many days, I wonder how I was born into my family. I just don't....fit. And then, these apples pop out and I realize that there is beauty and that while I don't fit, I can still find places where I belong.
I often sit on the sofa in the dark hours of the morning. I think of how much I love being a part of this world. How much I love that intensely blue prairie sky on fall days. How wonderful it feels to step out into the cool air and then get in the car and slowly feel the heater warm my feet.
How beautiful the hanging crystals look in our bedroom window, the ones that my cousin sent me from California. How good water tastes when you are really thirsty. The way orange juice tastes like nothing else in the world.
The way that the dogs in the park pull against their leashes when they see me sitting on that park bench. The tail wagging, the happy eyes, the heads that butt into my knees, loving a good ear scratch.
I love so much about my life. I especially love our bed. That soft warmth after a shower. The way it feels to find my way back to the bedroom after my 3 a.m. ramblings are over. The softness of the pillow against my cheek, feeling my legs begin to warm. Knowing that there are a couple hours left before it is time to get up to start the day.
The sheer joy of this simple life. Lucky me.
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