Bucket List
We all have them. When a doctor tells you that there is not a great possibility that you will be around in two years, at first you sort of just sit there. Shocked. Then you get depressed. Then you start making lists.
The first thing that I really wanted to do after my diagnosis was to see the Harry Potter site at Universal Studios. Actually, it had been on my list for years, but this time....I MEANT it. I needed to get there asap. So, we did. It was fun, but we ended up having much more fun perusing the California beaches than anything else.
Since then, T is always asking me what I want to do, while I'm able. And therein lies the rub. What I want to do and what I can do are often two very different things. Some days are pretty good and I can do almost anything. Other days, just getting out of bed is a feat. And I can never predict. I have had horrendous bouts of chemo and then the next month, it will be mild. I have had days when my bones ached so badly that I sat huddled in a chair, reading. I have had days when I was able to go for a long walk.
I would truly love to plan a big vacation, but then I think...what if I'm having one of those bad days? What a waste of money that would be if I had to just stay in bed.
So, I have finally gotten to the point where I just throw caution to the wind. If there is something that I really want to do...like spend a week at Hermosa Beach while T goes to a Summer seminar, I will make those plans and hope for the best. I figure that the worst that will happen will be that I am stuck in bed in our little beach cottage, listening to the waves crash against the rocks and shore. THAT is much better than laying in bed at home and listening to the lawn being mowed. The air flight there and back might be tricky, but...at T's insistence...we bring my wheelchair. I have learned to suck up my vanity about using it.
We still plan dinners with friends. If I have to cancel at the last minute, everyone gets it.
Cancer sometimes wins but sometimes, I do. I've pared my schedule down. I no longer feel obligated to attend every single event. I know my limits. I can't ride in a car for more than an hour or so before my bones start to ache. I swear that the potholes in my city will do me in, but I have learned which areas to avoid.
I would love to see Ireland. Probably not going to happen. It's a lot of car riding, a lot of walking.
My life has become this simple slide. I find that my joys are smaller. Seeing S, C, and L. Really all I need to be happy. The internet makes contact with the rest so easy. Marco Polo and there you are. Right in front of me. One thing that I do miss? Long, meandering letters. Remember those? Who writes letters anymore? Certainly not me. But, I miss getting a nice fat letter in the mail.
There are so many other pleasures.
1) Coffee. I love my coffee and have it every day.
2) CBD oil. I rub it on my legs and arms and it is the only thing that works. How I managed to live in a backwards state that is always the LAST to embrace change is anybody's guess.
3) Books. I sometimes despair that I will NEVER get to read all the books that I want to before I die. But, honestly? This is true for everyone. I am not unique. Still. I often plunge into books like a crazy woman. I need those hours of quietly turning pages, of being in a world that is different from the hell of the one that I live in.
4) Birds. I have turned into one of those annoying old ladies who sits outside and watches the birds and worse......talks to them. I do this to trees and plants, too. I hug my trees, run my fingers through my herbs and then savor the smell that lingers on my fingers. Basil. Chives. Lemon verbena. Russian Lavender. Once it is warm enough to plant, I will bed my petunias and go out every morning and gently touch their petals, telling them that they are gorgeous. "Oh, you lovely babies!"
I was not prone to do this when I was still working. I planted the flowers and garden, but I was a weekend gardener and often a cranky one, Now, I cherish my plants. I notice the first buds on the trees. Sometimes, I stand with my arms around the big oak tree in our back yard and put my ear against its bark and just listen. No. The tree doesn't talk to me.
But, I wish it would and if it did, I would answer.
My life is so much smaller now, so much more compact. And I listen closely to my body and give it what it wants. If it wants to sleep after I just finished sleeping for 14 hours, I take a nap. If it wants peanut butter toast, it gets peanut butter toast. Although...my body seldom wants to eat these days. When I do get a crazy craving, I honor it. Last week, I had a sudden craving for bologna. Which is crazy, considering that I can hardly stand the smell of meat these days...but...it is what it is. So, T went to Fareway and bought three lovely slices of bologna and some good sourdough bread at Le Quartier and I had it for lunch for three days in a row. Now, the thought of bologna makes me queasy, but for those three days...it was delicious.
I have found that I have no time for those who don't love me. And I don't begrudge them for their lack of it. I only want to surround myself with people who care about me, who I care for as well. I still strongly dislike Trumpers, but my anger towards them is sliding into pity. I wonder what it is in them that leans toward a man who makes up mean little nicknames for people but when it is done back to him, cries like a toddler? But, I don't want to sit down and discuss their tendencies with them. They are who they are and will answer for their decisions, just as I will. I'm not a huge believer that God will be waiting for us after death with a list of our transgressions, but I do believe that we must atone for pain. If we cause pain to another person, we must atone it after death. I honestly don't think there is any scenario where it is okay to take a child away from a parent, for any reason other than abuse. I don't think that being a supporter of that shit will buy you brownie points after death. I think you'll have some "splainin' to do.
But, you know that.
The thing is....you don't really feel it like I do. Because death isn't standing outside your back door. Once, that happens? Believe me. You start thinking about that shit and a lot of other stuff, too.
I can honestly say that I am a much better person now than I was before my diagnosis. I try very hard to be a good person, make good choices, surround myself with good people. I have went over my past with a fine toothed comb and repented a lot. But, you know something else? I have felt a lot of pride, too. I walked my walk. I didn't just mouth the words.
Of course, there are always those nights at 3 a.m. when I wake up and feel as if I have not been the person of stardust that I wanted to be. When I look back at times when I was less than kind.
But...mostly....I just keep trying. And I keep looking outside at the sky, at the birds, at the trees, the water.
I probably won't get to Ireland. But, I might see the ocean again. And I might spend a few more nights laughing with my kiddos or reading a good book.
I might reach down and run my hands through the basil and chives and then my hands will smell like pizza all day.
I wouldn't have noticed that before....
The first thing that I really wanted to do after my diagnosis was to see the Harry Potter site at Universal Studios. Actually, it had been on my list for years, but this time....I MEANT it. I needed to get there asap. So, we did. It was fun, but we ended up having much more fun perusing the California beaches than anything else.
Since then, T is always asking me what I want to do, while I'm able. And therein lies the rub. What I want to do and what I can do are often two very different things. Some days are pretty good and I can do almost anything. Other days, just getting out of bed is a feat. And I can never predict. I have had horrendous bouts of chemo and then the next month, it will be mild. I have had days when my bones ached so badly that I sat huddled in a chair, reading. I have had days when I was able to go for a long walk.
I would truly love to plan a big vacation, but then I think...what if I'm having one of those bad days? What a waste of money that would be if I had to just stay in bed.
So, I have finally gotten to the point where I just throw caution to the wind. If there is something that I really want to do...like spend a week at Hermosa Beach while T goes to a Summer seminar, I will make those plans and hope for the best. I figure that the worst that will happen will be that I am stuck in bed in our little beach cottage, listening to the waves crash against the rocks and shore. THAT is much better than laying in bed at home and listening to the lawn being mowed. The air flight there and back might be tricky, but...at T's insistence...we bring my wheelchair. I have learned to suck up my vanity about using it.
We still plan dinners with friends. If I have to cancel at the last minute, everyone gets it.
Cancer sometimes wins but sometimes, I do. I've pared my schedule down. I no longer feel obligated to attend every single event. I know my limits. I can't ride in a car for more than an hour or so before my bones start to ache. I swear that the potholes in my city will do me in, but I have learned which areas to avoid.
I would love to see Ireland. Probably not going to happen. It's a lot of car riding, a lot of walking.
My life has become this simple slide. I find that my joys are smaller. Seeing S, C, and L. Really all I need to be happy. The internet makes contact with the rest so easy. Marco Polo and there you are. Right in front of me. One thing that I do miss? Long, meandering letters. Remember those? Who writes letters anymore? Certainly not me. But, I miss getting a nice fat letter in the mail.
There are so many other pleasures.
1) Coffee. I love my coffee and have it every day.
2) CBD oil. I rub it on my legs and arms and it is the only thing that works. How I managed to live in a backwards state that is always the LAST to embrace change is anybody's guess.
3) Books. I sometimes despair that I will NEVER get to read all the books that I want to before I die. But, honestly? This is true for everyone. I am not unique. Still. I often plunge into books like a crazy woman. I need those hours of quietly turning pages, of being in a world that is different from the hell of the one that I live in.
4) Birds. I have turned into one of those annoying old ladies who sits outside and watches the birds and worse......talks to them. I do this to trees and plants, too. I hug my trees, run my fingers through my herbs and then savor the smell that lingers on my fingers. Basil. Chives. Lemon verbena. Russian Lavender. Once it is warm enough to plant, I will bed my petunias and go out every morning and gently touch their petals, telling them that they are gorgeous. "Oh, you lovely babies!"
I was not prone to do this when I was still working. I planted the flowers and garden, but I was a weekend gardener and often a cranky one, Now, I cherish my plants. I notice the first buds on the trees. Sometimes, I stand with my arms around the big oak tree in our back yard and put my ear against its bark and just listen. No. The tree doesn't talk to me.
But, I wish it would and if it did, I would answer.
My life is so much smaller now, so much more compact. And I listen closely to my body and give it what it wants. If it wants to sleep after I just finished sleeping for 14 hours, I take a nap. If it wants peanut butter toast, it gets peanut butter toast. Although...my body seldom wants to eat these days. When I do get a crazy craving, I honor it. Last week, I had a sudden craving for bologna. Which is crazy, considering that I can hardly stand the smell of meat these days...but...it is what it is. So, T went to Fareway and bought three lovely slices of bologna and some good sourdough bread at Le Quartier and I had it for lunch for three days in a row. Now, the thought of bologna makes me queasy, but for those three days...it was delicious.
I have found that I have no time for those who don't love me. And I don't begrudge them for their lack of it. I only want to surround myself with people who care about me, who I care for as well. I still strongly dislike Trumpers, but my anger towards them is sliding into pity. I wonder what it is in them that leans toward a man who makes up mean little nicknames for people but when it is done back to him, cries like a toddler? But, I don't want to sit down and discuss their tendencies with them. They are who they are and will answer for their decisions, just as I will. I'm not a huge believer that God will be waiting for us after death with a list of our transgressions, but I do believe that we must atone for pain. If we cause pain to another person, we must atone it after death. I honestly don't think there is any scenario where it is okay to take a child away from a parent, for any reason other than abuse. I don't think that being a supporter of that shit will buy you brownie points after death. I think you'll have some "splainin' to do.
But, you know that.
The thing is....you don't really feel it like I do. Because death isn't standing outside your back door. Once, that happens? Believe me. You start thinking about that shit and a lot of other stuff, too.
I can honestly say that I am a much better person now than I was before my diagnosis. I try very hard to be a good person, make good choices, surround myself with good people. I have went over my past with a fine toothed comb and repented a lot. But, you know something else? I have felt a lot of pride, too. I walked my walk. I didn't just mouth the words.
Of course, there are always those nights at 3 a.m. when I wake up and feel as if I have not been the person of stardust that I wanted to be. When I look back at times when I was less than kind.
But...mostly....I just keep trying. And I keep looking outside at the sky, at the birds, at the trees, the water.
I probably won't get to Ireland. But, I might see the ocean again. And I might spend a few more nights laughing with my kiddos or reading a good book.
I might reach down and run my hands through the basil and chives and then my hands will smell like pizza all day.
I wouldn't have noticed that before....
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