When Others Get Tired Of You Having Cancer.
It does happen. People do get tired of you having cancer. Unfortunately, even though you also get tired of having cancer, you can't just forget about it.
I was talking about this last week with a woman in my cancer support group. She is our group icon. Let's call her Aretha, because she reminds me of Aretha Franklin.
Aretha was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 2008. She, like all of us, was told that she probably had about 2 years, at best, to live. Actually, in her case, I believe it was more like 18 months, but let's not quibble.
She prepared to die. Got all her ducks in order. Tearfully told her family and friends. She kept her job because her husband works as a freelance cabinet maker and they both were on her insurance. She was 54 years old. Too young for medicare. Her best hope was to go on medicare after two years of being declared unable to work. She could apply for disability and get that. But, this meant that she would have to leave her job and her husband would lose his health insurance. He was in fairly good health, but had high blood pressure and cholesterol.
She decided to try and keep working.
She is STILL working, 10 years later. She is everyone's "exception to the rule" in our group.
Someone recently did a study of the support group that I am in. Most people live about 2 years after being diagnosed, provided that they are in good health when the cancer occurs. Aretha was not in the best of health when she was diagnosed. She had (and still has) rheumatoid arthritis and high blood pressure.
She talked in group last week. Said, "That first year after diagnosis was so hard. My husband and I used to hold each other every night and just pray. Our goal was to keep me as healthy as I could be for as long as I could. In the meantime, he started looking for a job with health insurance for both of us. He never graduated from high school, he couldn't find one that paid as much as his woodworking did."
Aretha stayed on her first treatment for 5 years. Then it stopped working and she tried the next one. It worked for 3 years. Now she is on a different drug and after two years, it is still working. She knows that she is extraordinarily lucky. She is the exception.
Now, she says that most everyone around her has pretty much forgotten that she has cancer and that is okay with her.
"After a while, you do get tired of eating casseroles. My church kept us in casseroles for the first year. We were grateful, but we did get weary of eating chicken and noodle casserole and chili."
Her children were ages 29, 21, and 19 when she was diagnosed. All had left home already. She worried that she wouldn't see her new grandchild grow up. He was 2 when she was diagnosed. He is 12 now and she has 3 more.
"I think, in the beginning, people are just so sorry for your bad fortune and they are johnny-on-the-ready right there to help. And then a year passes and another and they are kind of like....Wow, you are really hanging on there, sister!"
She works as a school secretary and says that she has gone through 2 principals since her diagnosis. The new one doesn't even know that she has cancer.
"I've been lucky. I never suffered too badly from fatigue. I did get a lot of mouth sores and rashes. My bones are so fragile that I have broken my ankle twice. I think that they just think I'm pretty clumsy! My hair is so thin that I wear a wig. I get stomach pain a lot. I just endure it. Give up my pain to the lord. And mostly, the teachers and others in the building either have forgotten or think that I'm cured. That first year, they had a big dinner for me. I think they thought it was a goodbye dinner but here I am a decade later! "
Aretha says that it is the same with her husband and children. That at first, there was a lot of crying every time that they saw her, but now they don't mention the cancer.
"It is kind of nice not being asked how I feel all the time. But, at the same time, I do get annoyed. My daughter wanted to know if I could keep her 3 kids so that she and her husband could go on a second honeymoon. I had to tell her that I DO have cancer. I still DO need my naps. I come home from work at 4 and sleep until my husband calls me in for dinner. Yes, he still makes dinner. He started doing that after the diagnosis and we decided he was a better cook than I ever was so he still does it. I may be alive and kicking but I still am in treatment for cancer. I still get tired a lot. I get bone pain. I just don't talk about it much anymore. I mean, holy heavens, I've had such bone pain for almost a decade now! Can you imagine me complaining for ten years about it? Naw."
Aretha has been in our support group the longest. She admits that out of the women she started with? There were 21 of them and she is the only one still alive. Another woman comes in second. She was diagnosed in 2015. So, almost 4 years. It is pretty much the same. You do a treatment until it stops working or starts killing your kidneys or liver or lungs, etc. Then you move on to the next one. When you run out of options, you stop all treatment and let the cancer run its course.
I think I would like to be like Aretha, but I am pretty practical. I don't think I am going to hit that ten year mark. And to be honest, I don't know that I want to do that. I can't imagine living like this for another decade. It is hard and I am pretty beat up from two previous bouts with cancer.
I do believe in exceptions, though. I think that anything can and will happen. Or..as T says, "We could get in a car wreck and both die. Our plane could crash. You could die of pneumonia." Or...my favorite: "You could be out getting the mail, lose your balance, fall into the street and get hit by a car."
I just don't think I want to have cancer for ten years. I don't really want to be ingesting oral chemo and torturing my internal organs and bones for a decade.
But, I don't want to die, either. I want to have a wonderful day with my wife, and go to bed and fall into a lovely, pain free sleep and then...not wake up.
But, as Aretha says, "We don't get to choose. We just have to be our brave selves."
Sigh. So be it.
I was talking about this last week with a woman in my cancer support group. She is our group icon. Let's call her Aretha, because she reminds me of Aretha Franklin.
Aretha was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 2008. She, like all of us, was told that she probably had about 2 years, at best, to live. Actually, in her case, I believe it was more like 18 months, but let's not quibble.
She prepared to die. Got all her ducks in order. Tearfully told her family and friends. She kept her job because her husband works as a freelance cabinet maker and they both were on her insurance. She was 54 years old. Too young for medicare. Her best hope was to go on medicare after two years of being declared unable to work. She could apply for disability and get that. But, this meant that she would have to leave her job and her husband would lose his health insurance. He was in fairly good health, but had high blood pressure and cholesterol.
She decided to try and keep working.
She is STILL working, 10 years later. She is everyone's "exception to the rule" in our group.
Someone recently did a study of the support group that I am in. Most people live about 2 years after being diagnosed, provided that they are in good health when the cancer occurs. Aretha was not in the best of health when she was diagnosed. She had (and still has) rheumatoid arthritis and high blood pressure.
She talked in group last week. Said, "That first year after diagnosis was so hard. My husband and I used to hold each other every night and just pray. Our goal was to keep me as healthy as I could be for as long as I could. In the meantime, he started looking for a job with health insurance for both of us. He never graduated from high school, he couldn't find one that paid as much as his woodworking did."
Aretha stayed on her first treatment for 5 years. Then it stopped working and she tried the next one. It worked for 3 years. Now she is on a different drug and after two years, it is still working. She knows that she is extraordinarily lucky. She is the exception.
Now, she says that most everyone around her has pretty much forgotten that she has cancer and that is okay with her.
"After a while, you do get tired of eating casseroles. My church kept us in casseroles for the first year. We were grateful, but we did get weary of eating chicken and noodle casserole and chili."
Her children were ages 29, 21, and 19 when she was diagnosed. All had left home already. She worried that she wouldn't see her new grandchild grow up. He was 2 when she was diagnosed. He is 12 now and she has 3 more.
"I think, in the beginning, people are just so sorry for your bad fortune and they are johnny-on-the-ready right there to help. And then a year passes and another and they are kind of like....Wow, you are really hanging on there, sister!"
She works as a school secretary and says that she has gone through 2 principals since her diagnosis. The new one doesn't even know that she has cancer.
"I've been lucky. I never suffered too badly from fatigue. I did get a lot of mouth sores and rashes. My bones are so fragile that I have broken my ankle twice. I think that they just think I'm pretty clumsy! My hair is so thin that I wear a wig. I get stomach pain a lot. I just endure it. Give up my pain to the lord. And mostly, the teachers and others in the building either have forgotten or think that I'm cured. That first year, they had a big dinner for me. I think they thought it was a goodbye dinner but here I am a decade later! "
Aretha says that it is the same with her husband and children. That at first, there was a lot of crying every time that they saw her, but now they don't mention the cancer.
"It is kind of nice not being asked how I feel all the time. But, at the same time, I do get annoyed. My daughter wanted to know if I could keep her 3 kids so that she and her husband could go on a second honeymoon. I had to tell her that I DO have cancer. I still DO need my naps. I come home from work at 4 and sleep until my husband calls me in for dinner. Yes, he still makes dinner. He started doing that after the diagnosis and we decided he was a better cook than I ever was so he still does it. I may be alive and kicking but I still am in treatment for cancer. I still get tired a lot. I get bone pain. I just don't talk about it much anymore. I mean, holy heavens, I've had such bone pain for almost a decade now! Can you imagine me complaining for ten years about it? Naw."
Aretha has been in our support group the longest. She admits that out of the women she started with? There were 21 of them and she is the only one still alive. Another woman comes in second. She was diagnosed in 2015. So, almost 4 years. It is pretty much the same. You do a treatment until it stops working or starts killing your kidneys or liver or lungs, etc. Then you move on to the next one. When you run out of options, you stop all treatment and let the cancer run its course.
I think I would like to be like Aretha, but I am pretty practical. I don't think I am going to hit that ten year mark. And to be honest, I don't know that I want to do that. I can't imagine living like this for another decade. It is hard and I am pretty beat up from two previous bouts with cancer.
I do believe in exceptions, though. I think that anything can and will happen. Or..as T says, "We could get in a car wreck and both die. Our plane could crash. You could die of pneumonia." Or...my favorite: "You could be out getting the mail, lose your balance, fall into the street and get hit by a car."
I just don't think I want to have cancer for ten years. I don't really want to be ingesting oral chemo and torturing my internal organs and bones for a decade.
But, I don't want to die, either. I want to have a wonderful day with my wife, and go to bed and fall into a lovely, pain free sleep and then...not wake up.
But, as Aretha says, "We don't get to choose. We just have to be our brave selves."
Sigh. So be it.
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