Jealous of you
Yes. I am. Jealous of you.
This afternoon, T and I were out getting coffee. We passed by a hospital and two young women waiting for the light to change. They wore business attire with their name tags hanging off of their jackets. They must have been taking their lunch break. They looked bored.
I remember looking bored on my lunch break. I remember walking down the street from the building where I worked, to get a taco to go for lunch. I was often so busy that I just took it back to my office and ate it at my desk. I would walk briskly to the taco cafe, barely noticing the weather unless it was too hot or cold. I would usually be thinking about some really unimportant thing like work that I needed to get logged into the system or a meeting that I was dreading. Sometimes, I would think about members of my family or friends. But, I was never really in my life. I was just...living.
I look back on those days with an almost unbearable hunger now. I used to get up at 6:20 and go take a shower, eat breakfast and be ready to leave the house by 7:15. Sometimes, if I was swamped with work, I would get up at 5 and leave as soon as I could to make use of the early morning hours.
I no longer shower in the morning. It takes too much energy that I just don't have anymore. I save my showers for night time and then fall into bed. I generally sleep until 9 or even 10. Since I am in bed by 9 p.m., that is a good twelve or thirteen hours of sleep. After I get dressed and make my bed, I have to rest for a few minutes before I get breakfast...or if T is home, she will get it for me. Just an Atkins power shake and yogurt. I am never hungry, but I have to eat. I read or watch stupid TV while I eat. I try not to watch political shows because who wants to get angry THAT early?
And then the day goes by. I read. I check e-mail. I take an afternoon nap. Yes. A nap.
Sometimes, I do light chores. Go to the library to pick up or take back books. Go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription. Get gas. Go to the bank. Pick up a sandwich for lunch. Pick weeds. Rarely....meet a friend. If I do meet up with a friend, it is not often alone. I tire so easily now that I really need T to drive. Conversation takes a lot out of me. And I always try so hard to behave as if everything is just fine with me. I never want to look weak or needy.
Why is that? Silly pride.
But, then....I see you. I see you standing on the corner, waiting for the light to turn so that you can get back to work and suddenly my eyes are filled with tears. I want to be you so badly that I can taste it.
Because, you see, I will never ever be you again. I will never get better. I will either stay the same or worsen.
T tells me to just enjoy my leisurely life. That if I was well, I would think it would be WONDERFUL to sit at home and read all day. She's right. I would. I did.
But, I was clueless then. Just as you are now. I didn't know how incredibly wonderful my life was. How lucky I was to walk without tiring. To walk briskly. To not only work all day, but stop at the library or dry cleaners on the way home from work. Maybe meet up for dinner with someone. To visit with co-workers, standing in the hall.
And not be so exhausted that I felt as if I might faint.
So, yeah. That was me you saw. That older woman wearing a hat on a Summer's day, looking wistfully at you out of her window as she sat at the light in her car.
I was/am jealous of you.
This afternoon, T and I were out getting coffee. We passed by a hospital and two young women waiting for the light to change. They wore business attire with their name tags hanging off of their jackets. They must have been taking their lunch break. They looked bored.
I remember looking bored on my lunch break. I remember walking down the street from the building where I worked, to get a taco to go for lunch. I was often so busy that I just took it back to my office and ate it at my desk. I would walk briskly to the taco cafe, barely noticing the weather unless it was too hot or cold. I would usually be thinking about some really unimportant thing like work that I needed to get logged into the system or a meeting that I was dreading. Sometimes, I would think about members of my family or friends. But, I was never really in my life. I was just...living.
I look back on those days with an almost unbearable hunger now. I used to get up at 6:20 and go take a shower, eat breakfast and be ready to leave the house by 7:15. Sometimes, if I was swamped with work, I would get up at 5 and leave as soon as I could to make use of the early morning hours.
I no longer shower in the morning. It takes too much energy that I just don't have anymore. I save my showers for night time and then fall into bed. I generally sleep until 9 or even 10. Since I am in bed by 9 p.m., that is a good twelve or thirteen hours of sleep. After I get dressed and make my bed, I have to rest for a few minutes before I get breakfast...or if T is home, she will get it for me. Just an Atkins power shake and yogurt. I am never hungry, but I have to eat. I read or watch stupid TV while I eat. I try not to watch political shows because who wants to get angry THAT early?
And then the day goes by. I read. I check e-mail. I take an afternoon nap. Yes. A nap.
Sometimes, I do light chores. Go to the library to pick up or take back books. Go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription. Get gas. Go to the bank. Pick up a sandwich for lunch. Pick weeds. Rarely....meet a friend. If I do meet up with a friend, it is not often alone. I tire so easily now that I really need T to drive. Conversation takes a lot out of me. And I always try so hard to behave as if everything is just fine with me. I never want to look weak or needy.
Why is that? Silly pride.
But, then....I see you. I see you standing on the corner, waiting for the light to turn so that you can get back to work and suddenly my eyes are filled with tears. I want to be you so badly that I can taste it.
Because, you see, I will never ever be you again. I will never get better. I will either stay the same or worsen.
T tells me to just enjoy my leisurely life. That if I was well, I would think it would be WONDERFUL to sit at home and read all day. She's right. I would. I did.
But, I was clueless then. Just as you are now. I didn't know how incredibly wonderful my life was. How lucky I was to walk without tiring. To walk briskly. To not only work all day, but stop at the library or dry cleaners on the way home from work. Maybe meet up for dinner with someone. To visit with co-workers, standing in the hall.
And not be so exhausted that I felt as if I might faint.
So, yeah. That was me you saw. That older woman wearing a hat on a Summer's day, looking wistfully at you out of her window as she sat at the light in her car.
I was/am jealous of you.
Hey. You know, I think about you a lot. Do you remember that shitty, shitty time in medical school when I was going through that god awful divorce? Your writing voice was such a balm. And the comments you'd leave on my blog were always my favorite--lots of encouragement, the occasional tough love, some that made me laugh out loud. I just want you to know that I have loved you for almost 10 years now, friend, and I feel so grateful to be here with you again. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss your voice. But, as long as you're here...I'm going to be right here, reading you, and feeling so incredibly lucky to do so.
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