To those behind the curtain

I see you. I don't always acknowledge you, but I see you. And I am so grateful. 

When you have cancer, it is difficult to ask for help. You are always looking into the future, contemplating that day when you will be so much worse than you are now and think that you should hold off. But, sometimes the need is there. Sometimes, chemo brain overtakes me and I wonder if I should be driving. Probably not. But, then...I start to think...

If I ask Conrad again to drive me, that will be twice this month. One day, I will probably need someone every day. I don't want to overask. I can do this. I will just be really, really vigilant.

I once read an article about how to help cancer patients and it said something to the effect that you should never tell them to just call if they need you, but instead to just show up. 

At the time, that seemed pushy to me. Now, it doesn't. Now, I get it. So many people have told me to just call them if I need them. I seldom, if ever, do. 

So. Here's to those people who just show up. Now, this doesn't mean that you show up at my dirty house on Tuesday morning and tell me that you'd like to take me out for coffee. This means that maybe you call me and ask when my next day for labs is and offer to drive me and then go get coffee afterwards. This leaves me my dignity. My house will at least look halfway clean when you show up and you will never know that there is a dirty pan in the oven. 

I already have a lot of these people in my life. And the funny thing? It isn't the people that I thought would be here. Cancer is a sticky wicket. Some people treat you as if you have some airborne disease that they could catch. Others pretend that absolutely nothing has changed in your life. They will ask you where you are planning to go for vacation this year and when you say that you can't really plan a vacation because you have chemo, their eyes sort of skim over you uncomfortably. Still others seem to think that they can't talk about anything else besides cancer. They want to know every grisly detail. And the whole time they are looking at you as if your face should be on a milk carton. And deep inside, you know they are just pining for the hour to be up so that they can go back to their normal life instead of sitting in your toxic one. 

No. I like the ones who just fucking show up. They are here and ready to anticipate. They bring food, but it is food that is easy to clean up and digest. 

Examples:

There is our mail carrier, Jack. Jack delivered a package to the front door one day along with our regular mail. I was having a really bad day and when I finally answered the door, I was out of breath and limping with fatigue. I probably thanked him much too profusely, said that it would be so nice not to have to walk to the end of the driveway to get the mail that day. He was kind and smiled. Told me that from now on, when he was working, he would knock once on the front door and leave the mail inside our screen door. And he has. I'm sure this is less than convenient for him. We have a long, long driveway. But, Jack is just there. 

We have a neighbor named Tom. He lives with his wife, next door. When we moved in almost two decades ago, they came over with a pan of banana bread. Through the years, T and I have often wondered what Tom's story is. His wife works full time as a secretary. He is on disability but he looks and acts like a lumberjack. He chops his own wood for his fireplace. He rides a Harley. He is a dead ringer for Wild Bill Hickok. He once singlehandedly pushed our car into the garage when it wouldn't start and we wanted to get it out of the rain. Before we got season tickets, we watched every single Husker game at their house. Tom is a devoted Trumper. This alone should make me shudder. And, sometimes....it does. His yard signs annoy the hell out of me every election year. Tom is also a very religious man. He goes to Saturday midnight vigil every week at his church. When Tom found out that I had incurable cancer, he immediately took me into his arms and gave me the biggest bear hug. He told me that, from now on, he would dedicate his midnight vigils to me. Tom enjoys cooking and he often brings over little plates of goodies for me now. 4 chocolate chip cookies that are as big as my head. A pan of orange rolls so gooey that your mouth waters. Homemade sausages. His mom's special mac and cheese made with bacon bits. On days when food seems out of reach to me, I can usually eat whatever he makes. He just shows up. 

My sister in law, Mary is a busy woman. She is raising her grandson with her husband. She has her own accounting firm. She doesn't really walk, she sort of hurriedly scampers. She heard that I was dehydrated. She did some research. Found a drink called IV in a Bottle. She ordered a case of it from Amazon and every month delivers it to our front door. Sometimes, she is too busy to stay, but she always hugs me and tells me to "drink up!" I do. She is busy, but she shows. 

Cancer is not fun. But, people just show up. Sometimes people who you never would have expected. Like your mail carrier or Trump supporting next door neighbor. 

I have been educated. And now, so have you. 

So...show up if you can. It will mean the world to someone, I promise.