Goodbye 2019

This was such a hard year. It started out hard and ended harder. I learned so many things, though, because of it. 

1) I am about a million times stronger than I thought I was. Last year, when I was sitting in the chemo room getting a nutrient bag, I didn't think I could feel more tired. I was on Ibrance then, my first treatment option. I took a pill every day. Got a nutrient bag occasionally. Felt tired but not so tired that I had to nap. That was in January and February. Right before Valentine's Day, the Ibrance stopped working and we started trying other options. None of them worked. My tumor markers rose from 62 to 1498. Some of the treatments had side effects that were borderline unbearable. Rashes. Itching. So many mouth sores that I thought I would never be able to do any more than let ice cubes slowly melt on my tongue. Diarrhea so bad that I was afraid to leave my own home. Puking up everything that I ingested, yet not losing any weight. Sleeping. More sleeping. During all of this, I pretended to everyone that I was just fine. I wasn't. I spent days at home crying, sitting at the edge of my bed as I watched other people go about their days. I would get sunny texts, cards, and phone calls telling me that I was in their prayers, in their thoughts, was there anything that I needed? 

Yes. I needed a new body. Stat. Now, it is the last day of 2019 and I am proud of myself. I made it. I did it. I kept my head above water. With the assistance of T,  and a trusted niece and sister, I managed to get through without acting like a whiny ass baby. And there is finally a drug that is working. I am not foolish. It will stop working eventually. But, it bought me Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Also, a support group. There were days when I almost didn't go to group. But, in the end, I always went. And I was always glad that I did that. I met a lot of people who had it worse than me and better than me. And that led me to my next lesson. 

2) There will always be those who have it worse or better than me. I met a woman in my support group who had a son who lived in Miami and never called her back when she called to ask him for help. Not even once. She had a sister in Iowa who did call her. Her sister had bunions. Her sister called to complain about her bunions. Her husband was dead two years and they had not saved well, so she had moved into a tiny apartment with a pull out sofa for a bed and low rent. She deliberately moved close to a busline to get to her chemo treatment and in walking distance of a Wal-Mart so that she could get groceries. She, like me, was going through her treatments like wildfire and would soon be down to nothing and left to simply survive out her days. 

I knew another woman in my group who had been on a successful run of Ibrance for nearly a decade. She found out that her cancer had metastasized and was put on Ibrance and it worked like a charm. She came to group with homemade cookies or brownies or a cake. She was still working as a nurse. She looked as if she stepped right out of an Ibrance commercial, all healthy and in no pain whatsoever. She had a devoted husband and three daughters who called her daily. 

3) I have no time for liars or pretenders. You know your own names.

4) Having a spouse who makes you laugh. I am incredibly lucky. Mine makes me laugh every. single. day. And, trust me, I am not easy to live with, especially since my diagnosis. I am trying my best, I am. But, I have days when the grim reaper follows me around like a gray cloud. Nights when fear holds my heart hostage and I shake and cry and ache and sink. It helps to have a spouse who makes you laugh. 

5) Some people have to be let go. I am at the end of my life. I want only people who truly love me to stick around. I understand that you don't love me. Please understand that I can't have your lack of empathy and kindness in my life. It hurts me and I believe that those who are dying (that would be me....just keepin' it real) deserve to have as much goodness as will fit in their lives. Honestly? We deal with pain and suffering on a high level and frankly, we don't need you. When you get to this point, you might get it. 

6) Find joy in every day. Again. It helps to have people around you who assist in that goal. I am lucky. So lucky. I have so much. 

7) Babies are conduits of love. So are animals. They are just oozing warm and sweet and it is given freely with no expectation of pay back. It doesn't get any better than that. 

Happy 2020 to everyone. May the resistance win one or two or three. May the rest of you come to your senses.